Sellabit Mum

I have Moved...

2010-04-29T20:50:00.002-05:00

Hey All!

Guess what - I am moving!!! Or I have moved already. Well, I am trying to move but I am somewhat of an idiot at anything technical.

Anyway, I bought myself(well, at least my domain name) and my blog is now cleanly and simply www.sellabitmum.com and I am now on Wordpress and have NO CLUE what I am doing. (shocking)

Come visit me there - I am still under construction, but can now post and the rest of the site will come this week thanks to my amazing and very patient designer and website goddess. You can find her here.

(and if you already follow me - I guess you will automatically still follow me on the new blog -it is like you have no choice...eerie - I guess that is why they call you a follower)

Anyway, thank you for following me over to my new digs. ..and let me know what you think of the new design!
xoxo,t

Mean Girls...

2010-04-27T22:32:00.003-05:00

I have been thinking about Phoebe Prince a lot. It scares me to think that bullying can go this far and have this consequence. Mostly I am scared for my very accommodating, just like their mother, daughters.
*****
It was a hot summer evening and I was walking with my friend Misty on the dusty paths of the County Fair. It was a typical Friday night at a small town County Fair in Indiana. Expensive games with cheap prizes, stale popcorn, rides older than my mother, gawking carnies, and teenagers primed with hormones just looking for trouble. It was totally my scene.

We were walking and talking, checking out the fair, as well as the talent when someone pushes me hard from behind. As I turned around she then hits me and shoves me to the ground, yelling at me to get up and fight her. I evidently "took her man" and she was pissed and out for blood. But I stayed on the ground and told her no - I had no interest to fight(knowing full well she had 30 pounds on me, more raw physical strength, and a mean streak that frankly scared the shit out of me) and to just leave me alone. I don't clearly remember everything that happened, but I am sure I cried.

And for the life of me, I cannot remember that boys name that caused this incident when I was 16.

I have never in my life hit, pushed, whacked, or purposely physically tried to hurt someone - even in self-defense, and frankly am not sure that I could.

******

In the 6 years I have been going to day-care and preschool conferences, every teacher has told me the same thing about my daughters. "They need to be more assertive!"

Even as toddlers, they would not dream of taking a toy from another child, physically touching another child except for a hug, or if another child took their toy-they would watch it go and choose something else.

They don't fight with each other and have never taken something from their sister, and if their sister asks them nicely to use the pink marker they are currently using, they hand it over and grab the purple.

I don't remember ever teaching them any of this and believe it is somehow just inherent to them as now I see their baby sister being a real pain in their rears as she will TAKE EVERYTHING they own.

As sweet and innocent and seemingly polite this lack of assertion was in preschool, it is not serving Eloise well in school. She is in a class was some brilliant kids, who know what they want, get what they want, are quite independent and well, bossy. So she accommodates them all and then comes home in a puddle of tears quite often. How she "never gets to play what she wants to play" "never gets a turn" "is never picked for pairing up" "last picked for teams" "plays alone on the playground" "sits alone in the lunchroom" ...mean notes have come home in her backpack.(the note has already been addressed with the school/parents)

She is a sweet, kindhearted gentle soul with infinite patience. But it is all wearing thin and frankly I am feeling helpless. I lift her up trying to give her the confidence she needs to just be comfortable with who she is, but she is trying desperately to fit in with the "cool crowd" even at 7 years old. I totally understand, as in school, you are sadly measured by the friends you keep. I don't even want to have a conversation with her that some girls are just simply mean. I have a hard time swallowing that pill myself and want to believe in only inherent goodness in the world.

So I ask of you, how do you teach your daughter to be assertive, yet not aggressive, still be lovely and not loose her innocence of knowing their are "mean girls" out there? How do I not be a protective mama bird and just let me little girl fly on her own? How do I keep from going to the school and kicking some first grade mean girls asses myself?;)

xoxo,t

The Bright Side of Laundry...

2010-04-26T14:15:00.004-05:00

My dryer broke 9 days ago.

Which hasn't been horrible as our weather has been unseasonably nice and since we live in the city, there are no pesky ordinances against hanging my underwear outside.

So for over a week, we have hung our socks and underwear, sheets and jeans outside for the wind to dry and our neighbors to admire.

We seem to air our dirty laundry enough, so it was a nice change of pace to just air our clean skivvies.

Then it rained this weekend, causing my living room to become a laundromat.

What started as a chore though, has become something more...something more "my glass is half full" -esque. It has brought back memories...
-of my grandma hanging everything out on the line, even jeans when it was 30 below zero. I remember handing her clothespins to make quick work of the chore.
-Clothes hanging in our home in the Winter to keep the air humid.
-Playing fort and hide-and-seek between the sheets on the line - running through the clothing tunnels on a bright sunny day.
-Folding clothing brought in that was warm for the sun and fresh from the air.

Perhaps I am a bit sad that my own girls won't have these memories of simpler times and hard work.

Perhaps I will ask Jed to string up a permanent line for us out back and we can bring this household chore back in fashion?

I just better go check with my neighbors first.
xoxo,t

The Stroke

2010-04-25T06:18:00.004-05:00

I remember quite vividly the visits to my great-grandmother's house. I was little - 3,4,5 years old and we went to visit her often. I hated those visits. It was not a fun thing to do, so why did my mom feel so obligated?

Her house smelled like old lady. Or what a 4 year old would define an old lady smell as. Urine, cigarette smoke, dust, sickness. She was paralyzed from her strokes and disfigured from her mouth cancer. She lived at home with her aid. She was either in a hospital bed or wheelchair.

This was not a grandmother to me - she didn't give hugs or smiles, she didn't dig in her purse and give me a 1/2 stick of double-mint gum - or juicy fruit if I had been especially good. She was sick, sad from losing her husband so suddenly not too long before, and she was miserable.

I didn't want to hug her. I would spend my time playing with her little figurines in the windowsills and upon the shelves or I would hope my Aunt Gail would visit with us, so we could play together in the stairway landing of my great-grandmother's old duplex.

I would hope we wouldn't have to come again, but we always did. And I would pass the time as best I could while my mom gently did her grandmother's hair, chatting about the latest news and neighborhood gossip, making a meal, and mainly just spending time with her knowing her time was short in this world.

I am sure my mother explained to me what had happened to great-grandma at the time, but I don't remember that. I just remember being 4 and going to a scary house and visiting a scary old woman that I did not recognize.

*******

This January, my daughter's grandmother suffered a massive stroke. Their grandmother that they see the most, who lives in town and treats them to warm hugs, days of coloring, lunches of their choice, and unlimited M&M's.

When they walked into her hospital room on that January evening, I really thought they would go running towards her and into her warm embrace. But instead, the room went uncomfortably quiet as they stood frozen. Their young bodies were completely and unnaturally frozen as they stared and tried to see their grandma in the woman in the hospital bed - whose eyes were distant, body immobile, and words delayed. Instead of running towards her, they fled to the hallway - leaving me tearful and helpless to explain as my own childhood memories came flooding to the surface. As they rushed to the hallway, I went to my step-mom's bedside and held her hand.

Eloise silently sobbed when we left saying "I didn't think she would be so sick, it didn't even look like her. Tell me she will get better."

******

And she is getting better. Therapy is intense. Progress in slow. But my heart is warm and happy to see the hugs and kisses return. To see the girls look forward to the visits, to enjoy driving her wheelchair around, making her pictures to bring sunshine to her room, sharing their tales of the week and bringing treats.

We are mortal - it is not a secret we need to keep from our kids. It is so important to teach our kids what love is like when it is easy and we are healthy and strong, but also how important love is when those who love us need it most.

xoxo,t

Astrid 9 Months

2010-04-23T05:16:00.002-05:00

No matter the crying, time is flying by. I find myself grasping and holding tight to your babyhood, trying to slow you down, trying to make it last. How can you be nine months old. Wasn't it just yesterday I first saw your sweet face for the first time.

It was different with your sisters. I wished their babyhood away and applauded each step they took towards being a toddler, a preschooler, each step towards more independence.

But you, you, I need to stay a baby a little longer. Please stop trying to only feed yourself, please stop the CRAWLING, please stop asserting your newly fierce independence...but it is okay for you to keep babbling "mum mum mum" at me. That I could listen to all.day.long.

I run my hand along the pretties in your closet, already sad that this Summer will be your only opportunity to wear ruffles on your butt, as is evidenced by the 85 sets hanging in your closet. The sweet dresses from Europe - the ruffles, the smocking, the bows, the delicate lace. We don't even have 85 days of Summer in Minnesota, so perhaps this years early Spring was a blessing for us in many ways.

You are giving kisses and sharing your food, you mimic and clap and sing. You have already eaten mud and hit your head on the sidewalk. You need to slow down - you have a lifetime to enjoy, learn and experience all that Summer has to offer. Why must you already try to keep up with your sisters.

I see now that you really are the baby of the family. How you have assumed this role so easily and stolen our hearts. We give you everything you desire, and then some. You are sufficiently spoiled and I am smitten for life.

I love you baby girl.
xoxo, mom

Earth Day

2010-04-22T05:55:00.003-05:00

Earth Day
by Jane Yolen

I am the Earth
And the Earth is me.
Each blade of grass,
Each honey tree,
Each bit of mud,
And stick and stone,
Is blood and muscle,
Skin and bone.

And just as I
Need every bit
Of me to make
My body fit,
So Earth needs
Grass and stone and tree
And things that grow here
Naturally.

That's why we
Celebrate this day.
That's why across
The world we say:
As long as life,
As dear, as free,
I am the Earth,
And the Earth is me.

xoxo,t

Go Bobcats!

2010-04-21T05:01:00.003-05:00

(please excuse the dirty laundry on the floor - remember, we have no dryer)

So I came downstairs in my Montana State Bobcat shorts yesterday - you know with the word "BOB CATS" written across my arse and Jed was all like "snort, haven't you had those since college?" and I was all like "yeah, and they still fit me awesome - even better than 20 years ago!" and Jed was all "yeah, but do you think they are appropriate now?" and I was all like "well, if you were 41 and married, and a woman who gave birth to 3 children and the word "BOB CATS" still looked awesome across your arse, you would TOTALLY WEAR THEM EVERY DAY!" and Jed said "touche" and I said "So, I totally deserve an awesome anniversary gift now right?"

Happy Anniversary, Jed. I figured if I get this out there early enough today we wouldn't have a threepeat.

xoxo,t

Astrid Phone Home and a Winner...

2010-04-20T05:16:00.002-05:00

Astrid Phone Home...

Please tell me you know this movie reference?

Feeling old today that I used to watch Welcome Back Kotter in Prime Time. And for my 7th grade cheerleading dance, we did it to P.Y.T. - I still break out those moves when I hear that song.

I went to random.org and typed in numbers 1 through 26, for the 26 comments made...

..and the Winner is #6 -Melanie!
Melanie said...

That sure is one cute baby! And, I cannot tell a lie, I did have to Google "Horshack" because I have never watched Welcome Back, Kotter, but for some reason I do remember the Vinnie Barbarino/John Travolta character.
Now, I sure did grow up singing PYT!

Way to go Melanie - email me at tracymorrison[at]comcast[dot]com to collect your amazon.com GC!

Happy Tuesday!

xoxo,t

Monday Monday...

2010-04-19T08:04:00.003-05:00

Do you have those bugs where you live? You know the hairy centipede thingamajigs with the 10,000 legs. They usually hang out in the bathroom or laundry room? I would post a picture for your reference, but doing so would make me vomit to look at it again, so I will spare you.

My morning started as so...

...I took off my clothes and sat on the potty, started the shower(you know because it is Earth Week and I wanted to waste water for 3 minutes to get it nice and hot..), grabbed for the roll of toilet paper and one of those bugs was SITTING ON THE TOILET PAPER - and I TOUCHED it - and then freaked and fell off of the toilet and onto the floor, hitting my head on the sink on my way down(we have a freakishly small bathroom) - but then the sucker - after also flying through the air - landed on the floor right next to me, so I SCREAMED and then managed to launch myself into the air to avoid touching it again as it started scurrying towards me. (mind you again that I am totally naked) On my way back into the air I hit my back on the radiator and my knee on the toilet(mind you also that I have yet to wipe), and manage to open the bathroom door to land in the hallway - the place I will now call the "centipede safe zone".

I quickly slammed the bathroom door shut to somehow contain the bug, hugged my knees, sobbed - naked and still unwiped in the hallway.

This was all before 5:30 this morning.

So how is your Monday going?

xoxo,t
Oh, and don't forget to visit here to find out who Horshack is and perhaps win a contest.

A Horshack Moment...and a Contest...

2010-04-18T09:57:00.003-05:00

...and if you had to Google who Horshack is - please "out" yourself by leaving a comment below.

Because you must really be a Pretty Young Thing.(..and name that singer)

xoxo,t

Contest:
Leave a comment that you either had to Google Horshack because you had no clue AND name the P.Y.T. singer - OR if you know both - OR if you just want to say "hey cute baby"..

- so...basically leave a comment, and one comment will be chosen randomly on Tuesday morning to win a $20 amazon.com Gift Certificate.
(**comment by 9pm central time, Monday night. Contest is not affiliated with or sponsored by amazon.com, it is funded and sponsored by solely moi**thank you for your time.;)

Let's not do April 15th again, mkay?

2010-04-15T21:51:00.002-05:00

I am assuming there is someone up there that I have really pissed off. And Matilda Jane also continues to be mad at me?

If I can take you back quickly - MJ launch #1 - lice...MJ launch #2 - lice...

So when Eloise woke up sick with a high fever at 3am this morning - for MJ launch #3 - I have to say I did not expect much less.

I love having people coming in and out of my house, attempting to enter orders, feebly trying to properly mother a very sick child, and nursing a baby all at the same time..not to mention my 5 year old was following me around all day asking for a snack and wanting to read.

We ate cheerios for dinner.

..and the new cookie tank sold-out in minutes..and how many did I snag for my customers - ZERO. Flipping ZERO. So, I got to spend my afternoon apologizing to dozens of women who were none too happy.

On top of this, I got to write a check for a gazillion dollars to the IRS today. Really a gazillion.

So 7pm finally came, and I was able to pour my wine, sit down to finish my orders, throw in a load of laundry, watch the SNL special.

..and moments ago, my dryer breaks. dead. burned.made a moaning sound.started smelling really bad. and died right in front of me. Now, I have 3 load of wet clothing hung all over my house. ALL.OVER.MY.HOUSE.

I have no money for a new dryer as I gave the IRS a gazillion dollars today and didn't earn any commission since I could not snag a cookie tank to save my life.

I am so damned lately.

Do you think someone is trying to tell me something.

Happy Tax Day everyone.
xoxo,t

I Wonder Wednesday...

2010-04-14T21:29:00.002-05:00

I have spent my day wondering things....

Like I wonder how many starving children I could feed when I look at the amount of food that ends up on my floor instead of Astrid's mouth.

I wonder how we live and accept so much excess.

I wonder when Eloise and I won't fight in the mornings. Tomorrow? Please.

I wonder if I will ever sleep more than 2 hours at a time again.

I wonder how much botox will cost to fill in the number 11 on my forehead.

Or why when I spell forehead, I usually forget the e.

I wonder why there are 2 ways to spell capital. Or is it capitol? See, I wonder why I cannot get that.

I wonder if in 1987, my parents thought that their tolerance to alcohol was like totally awesome and impressive as they could down like 8 bloody marys and not feel a thing, as I wonder if they knew I had filled most of their bottles with water before I left for college?(you know, to make it look like they were still full....)

I wonder if I am the only adult American female who hates Glee? I was a cheerleader and an honor student in high school and not once did I ever break into song, nor did anyone else. And I wonder why they wear their cheerleader uniforms all the flipping time? We never did. I wonder if they do not own normal clothing. This also makes me wonder if I am the only one who also did not appreciate high school musical. I wonder if I am the only mom that took it out of the DVD player and smashed it into a 1000 pieces in front of my kids after it was only on for like 3 minutes because those kids on that movie were FREAKS. I also wonder if I am the only person on the planet who has no clue who Taylor Swift is?

I wonder how old my kids think I am as Eloise asked me today if I had TV and other electronics when I was a little girl "in the olden days".

..and then I don't have to wonder why I drink a lot of wine after they go to bed.

What are you wondering about today?
xoxo,t

Shop Therapy...

2010-04-13T21:58:00.002-05:00

When did I become the invisible woman?

When did I become less fabulous just because I have dried puke on my Matilda Jane tee'd shoulder, fingerprints on my designer jeans and goldfish crumbs covering the bottom of my Louis?

Is it because I don't bother to put on make-up, perhaps my hair isn't styled, my nails are chipped and my wrinkles are prevalent?

Is it the desperate look on my face for trying to have 5 minutes to myself?

Is it because I look lost in your store, not having shopped in awhile?

All I know is that my excitement to have 15 minutes to shop today turned sour quickly as I became the invisible woman.

In this economy, with small shops being hit hard, I try to mainly shop small and shop local. I am lucky to have many fabulous shops within blocks of my house in our trendy Grand Avenue area.

I dropped Esther at a play date, Eloise at ballet, the baby was sleeping and I had a $300 gift certificate from Christmas that I finally found a moment to spend.

I walked in the quaint, trendy boutique to silence. I was the only person in the 20x30 shop and the sales associate never looked up from her i-phone. After a few moments of browsing and feeling awkward to be in the small shop so unannounced - I said "hi - how are you today" - she looked up briefly and grunted.

I found a few dresses to try, let myself into the dressing room and came out once to see what she thought of the fit of my favorite. She looked up briefly and said "it looks fine."

Moments later I hear another customer walk-in and she is greeted with a friendly "hello, is there anything I can help you find?"

I exit the room to find a stylish and gorgeous young woman.

If it were my money, I would've walked out empty handed - but I found a dress, some shoes and a fabulous new bag - all by myself and felt almost embarrassed to check-out as she didn't even talk to me as she took my card.

I walked out nearly in tears with my large bag feeling like I never existed and hoping I could still enjoy my purchases Nevermind that these small boutiques need the business, how could someone be treated so poorly.

I wanted to use social media for evil and pull a brilliant dooce and twitter and facebook most negative comments about the boutique.

But I didn't. I decided that I still liked my purchases, even without her approval or even acknowledgement. Do I really need to be the cool girl anymore, or have the most followers, commentors, or friends, or be fawned upon when shopping.

Maybe now in my 40's, I am becoming invisible to the next generation. But I don't care. I see me and those arrogant "sales clerks" can bite me.

Have you felt invisible lately?

xoxo,t

Little Chef...

2010-04-12T20:42:00.001-05:00

I love having her underfoot while I cook.

I can count my blessings on her 10 little toes.

xoxo,t

Easy Weekend...

2010-04-11T20:39:00.003-05:00

We had a weekend without one plan. Free of all obligations. No schedule, no stress, no problem.

We spent our weekend going to playgrounds, meeting casually up with friends, having picnics in our backyard, chats on the front porch, playing American Girl dolls and folding laundry.

We ate cheerios and pancakes for dinner.

We enjoyed the easy rhythm that Astrid has finally gotten into this week. A week with virtual no crying, easy naps and more smiles than we have ever seen. She is almost crawling and so happy to be there.

We spent the weekend not worrying about eating lunch an hour late or missing a nap or even having to nurse in public with a baby that pops off every 10 seconds for social hour. I didn't even stress it even after this or this in the news of late. My favorite quote of the week "why is it that everyone wants to see a woman's breast until there is a baby attached?" Sad.

I am sitting here and I am happy and joyful and my heart is just so full from this easy weekend.

How about you?

xoxo,t

Twitter-Dee Follow Me

2010-04-09T09:22:00.002-05:00

After joining Twitter last year and leaving my account blank...I finally decided to Tweet this week.

(...and this is where my family, my main audience, goes huh? and moves onto cute picture posts...)

After finally realizing that I haven't read a real newspaper in 18 months or watched the actual news on TV more than once per month - that I am now getting my news from the web, facebook, blogs, my i-phone, and that my circle of "friends" is more on line than in real life, I decided that I needed to further my trip down the rabbit hole for more information and interaction.

Social media is now and the future, and I need to get my 40 year old ass in gear and enjoy the ride a little bit more.

This is a very dated YouTube clip - (like so old to be from June of 2009 of all things) - but the statistics of Social Media are staggering.

And while I don't blog for popularity, press, advertisements or money - I am in awe my the women who do and support their families by it.

..and on the Today Show this morning - this interesting segment about Mommy Bloggers - because even though we seem to be mature and able-minded moms, trying to teach or children to be positive contributors to society - there are still the mean girls among us. Sad.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Have great weekend.
xoxo,t

Baby Steps...

2010-04-08T09:35:00.002-05:00

I find myself celebrating Astrid's accomplishments with complete abandon. She deserves a pony for learning to patty-cake and a trip to Europe for doing "so-big."

Perhaps a bit of an exaggeration, but that is where my heart is with her.

No matter the crying, whining, bitching, being up all night, icky faces, particular attitude, constipation, or just being thankful she is cute - she is being celebrated.

Now as a typical mother of this generation, I am feeling like I slighted my others in wishing away their babyhood and just wanting them to grow-up. Whether true or not.

But not this time. How lucky am I to "know" this is my last baby and to appreciate every minute of her very long days.

How sad am I that I cried this week when she clapped for the first time or that I show-off her "so big" to strangers at the grocery store. I encourage her to click her tongue as she learns "trick" after "trick" and I revel in her new found genius that only a mother can appreciate.

Now I just need to use this complete and utter crazy motherly abandon when Esther learns to ride her bike this Summer and Eloise discovers the cure for cancer.

What are you celebrating in your kids life today?
xoxo,t

P.S. Cute dress huh - I wore it 41 years ago...

Happiness is...

2010-04-07T09:28:00.002-05:00

Eloise has been practicing her ballet recital piece daily..and if I have to hear the song "..happiness is sharing a secret, pizza with sausage, telling the time...catching a firefly and setting him free.." one more time, I think I may stab someone.

Because who really let the fireflies go? No, as kids, we trapped them and let them die overnight in our makeshift bug keepers/slash jars without air holes. Admit it.

"Happiness is 5 different crayons?" Come on - was this written in 1932? Who uses crayons anymore? Isn't there an app for that now?

I will tell you what happiness is...

Having your cousins to play with.

Even if you only see them once per year, you play like you just saw them yesterday and are thick as thieves.

Happiness is tween boys carrying Easter baskets and going on an egg hunt.

Happiness is cousins getting themselves into double trouble.

Happiness is seeing your dad smile surrounded by his grandkids...

..and his kids...

Dyed eggs..

..and wearing a fedora on Easter Sunday.

THAT my friends is Happiness.

..and there is no app for that.
xoxo,t

Crawling Sequence...Hurdles...

2010-04-06T06:10:00.004-05:00

A picture I submitted to The Women's Colony was published here. The theme was hurdles - which Astrid and I are trying to overcome every day.

The past 2 weeks, besides just being a usual bitch, Astrid is trying to hard to crawl..and is doubly angry because of it. Since her sisters didn't try to crawl until they were, oh..like 2, I had no idea what a frustrating process this was.

So I got down on the floor and watched her, did not encourage her(as baby proofing seems like a HUGE hurdle to me right now) and laughed at her frustration, trials, errors and just giving up to suck on a block.

Another hurdle I am attempting to leap over is my fear of photo post processing. The process seems daunting and learning curve long, and I am not sure that I have from 2am-4am to dedicate to that process - which are currently the only hours I am sleeping.

So, I shoot and download and crop and publish and most times cringe at my photos. Jed bought me PSE for my birthday LAST YEAR and it has sat and collected dust.

Last week, I finally installed it - encouraged by Ann and by the fact that the Pioneer Woman had her actions available to finally work on elements(one step processing I will take the time to try...)

So, I did it - and yes spend some sleeping time playing with PSE - but these photos show me that my time is well spent.

What hurdles are you jumping over these days? Big or small? Let's stop sucking on blocks and celebrate each other.
xoxo,t

Face Off...

2010-04-05T13:08:00.002-05:00

My brother and his family came North for Easter. I ordered nice weather just for them as coming North for them is usually a bother...they take issue with the cold.

It was the first time he saw his new niece. I had warned him about her attitude issues and being particular and all.

Troy didn't care. He loves babies and scooped her right up and looked into her eyes and told her "I am your uncle and you will like me no matter what."

..and it looked promising for a moment as she gazed back at him with slight family recognition and almost smiled.

But then he kissed her, and it all went to hell.

xoxo,t

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T06:24:00.002-05:00

What are you eating that is sweet today?

We are having these...

Bakerella instructions here.

Let's all make a pact to forgo veggies and fruit today!
xoxo,t

Little Bunny Foo Foo..

2010-04-02T14:29:00.002-05:00

I mean "Fu Fu" ...

..no it's "Fou Fou!"

..oh hell, since she is all fancy like I suppose "Frou Frou" would also be appropriate.

You just try to google that childrens poem and see how many ways from Sunday they want you to spell it. And then we wonder why our children are being left behind in our schools these days.

xoxo,t

Oh, Happy Easter too!

P.P.S Cute onesie bought here.

Why Yes I am Mean ....

2010-04-01T06:14:00.003-05:00

..and proud of it.

Further proof of my meanness...

I wasn't around for bedtime once this past week. When morning came Eloise ran to me, hands on hips in full knowitall fashion and was all "Daddy is so much nicer than you. He let us stay up really, really late - because you know I am 7 years old and should be able to stay up late!"

And I was all "Well Daddy is in big, big trouble for doing that - I have rules you know!"

And she was all "Well, I looked at the clock and it was 7:16 when we went to bed - how come you never let us stay up that late?!"

xoxo,t

It hit 70 degrees...

2010-03-31T04:58:00.001-05:00

..so it must be time for a picnic on our white trash back patio!

xoxo,t

Fishy...

2010-03-30T05:39:00.002-05:00

Sunday was a busy day for Eloise - a birthday party at the zoo and an outing to the American Girl store with a friend for dinner and movie and a bit of a shopping.

Jed was working all day, so Esther and Astrid and I did mundane things like laundry, dishes, vacuuming, driving Eloise to and fro, and basically doing what we usually do on busy Sundays - catching up from the week and preparing for another one.

And every 10 minutes, Esther would look up at me and say "I miss Eloise, is she coming home soon?"

I realized that planning a playdate for Esther would've been wise, as she was missing her big sister so much. So instead I told her that I would take her out for a very special dinner - just us - and she could choose ANYWHERE she wanted and eat ANYTHING she wanted - even if she chose to just eat at the ice cream parlor.

I held my breath, secretly hoping that the words McDonalds or Pizza didn't come out of her mouth. (McDonalds is a very special treat at our house on our 3 times per year journeys there and we have never been to a ChuckECheese and I pray nightly that we never will..)

"Sushi" she exclaimed - "and I want to sit at the bar and watch him make it for me!"

There were shouts of "woohoo" coming from me and hi-fives all around! I love a 5 year old who loves sushi!

So, we ate trays and trays of rolls and sashimi and pickled eggplant. And when you get a sushi chef that has a 3 year old - you get special cucumber rolls, all the sushi rice a baby can eat, and free green tea ice cream smothered in whip cream.

Next time she is insisting on a fancy drink with her own umbrella.
xoxo,t

One Year...

2010-03-29T05:50:00.002-05:00

Living with these kids, I don't notice the subtle changes in them or how they grow. Usually it is told to me through a grandparent that hasn't seen them in awhile when they say "oh my - look at how much you have changed and grown!"

It will make me pause and really look at my daughter and realize that she grew and changed while we were just so busy living. I had no idea.

Sometimes, it takes a photograph to tell that story.

Eloise has changed so much this year. I had no idea how big of a deal 1st grade was. She is fighting for her independence - and WE fight like cats and dogs, she is expressing her mostly superior opinion about EVERYTHING, and is trying like hell to make every choice for herself - from bedtime to clothing. She is trying to navigate friendships and is already coming home in tears, with mean notes in her backpack. le sigh.

I had no idea how exhausting it is to grow up.

Sometimes, I am difficult and still try to pretend she is little - even when she reminds she is not. I will buy and hang another dress in her closet and she will cross her arms in front of her, give me the "look", sigh heavily and tell me there is no way she is wearing a "baby dress" ever again. Seven year olds DO NOT wear dresses. My word.

So I walk away again defeated - wondering where my little girl went - because she still looks so little to me.

So I took a picture of her this weekend.

..and found one from exactly a year ago.

And promptly apologized to her for not realizing how much she has grown.
xoxo,t

Hope...

2010-03-27T13:30:00.003-05:00

This week has been frustrating to me - with the passage of Health Care Reform - the debates have taken over Facebook, casual conversations and internet chat boards.

Frankly, I am over it. I am too old to debate and fight, or to prove that I am right and you are wrong. Most of you know my political leanings and probably how I feel about it - but who really cares to hear about it? Even though "I" seemingly won - maybe I am not happy with the watered down version that is what it is. Whatever.

Instead of debating with my fellow mom's, friends, husband, old high-school drinking buddies, or listening/reading the hate and anger and just general angst and energy going into things this week - I, today, choose to focus on Hope.

No matter the economy, the war, the government, the haters, the bitchy babies or the cost of milk - there are still babies being born..and that is hope. I cannot wait to see this movie.

Have a great weekend.

xoxo,t

"I got Music!!"

2010-03-25T22:03:00.003-05:00

"I'm chipper all the day.
Happy with my lot.
How did I get that way?
Look at what I've got.

I got rhythm.
I got music.
I got my man -
Who could ask for anything more?

I got daisies
In green pastures.
I got my man -
Who could ask for anything more?"

(Thank you Jed, for the sweet surprise)
xoxo, t

Why I blog...

2010-03-24T06:17:00.004-05:00

I started blogging 2 years ago immediately after my last miscarriage..at first as a way to just write and talk to someone(the blog) besides myself.

(I talk to myself - out loud! Did you know that about me. It annoys my children to no end).

I also started it to share pictures and stories with just family - as they are all far away and do not see the kids much.

Simple. Boring Mommy Blogger.

My blog has become so much more for me.

It is now a place where I can connect to girlfriends. I feel like every day I am talking with Kristi, Michelle and Ann, Melanie, Monika and Melanie, Heather, Izzy's Mom and Heather, Amanda , Stacey and Jill, Jess, Tracy , Tina and Rachelle, Tifani and Tricia, Tiernee , Jen, Amanda, Kari and Wendy....and many more friends who comment and blog (And I would love to include Mrs. G, Heather, Jenny and Ree on that list - but our relationship is a little one sided, as I am just an admirer/part-time stalker of their talents.) These women provide me insight, support, hugs and laughter on their blogs and through their comments - and sometimes just a bit of sanity and trust knowing that I have girlfriends and more experienced moms to lean on and learn from out there in the cyberworld - not just here in St. Paul. (and they are a forgiving bunch by overlooking my horrible run-on sentences as shown above...I was a math girl in school..)

So, imagine my surprise when a lovely and talented mom named Tina emailed me last month. Tina is from Utah(where some of the best "mommy bloggers" live - and where I think I must travel to soon to find out why every woman is so gorgeous...)..

Tina has an amazing blog called Little Tots/Big Ideas. She is doing a feature on her blog about State and International Moms - so she is finding ladies in each state and country - and giving them a spotlight story. Seriously, what a cool idea. A great way to learn about each State and Country and a great way to connect with more blogging Moms.

Tina is funny, sincere, patient(as I am not the best when it comes to return emails...)kind, talented, beautiful and has a lovely family. She is a great writer too.

She found me from the Pioneer Woman's blog back in November. Remember when I met her? Funny how the world works.

Here is our story:

Tracy in Minnesota by Tina...

These connections that I have made through my blog have helped me through my darkest days of loss to my happiest days of birth. Girlfriends really do lift you up in ways that are unimaginable. Thank you ladies!

xoxo,t

Astrid 8 months..

2010-03-23T05:59:00.002-05:00

Dear Astrid,

The last week has been fabulous - I mean how could it not when you go to bed by 7pm..and then are up at 8:30, 10, 11:15, 12, 2, 3:30, 5 and 6? How could it not. I mean who really needs sleep? Getting up 7 times per night just seems so normal now.

What I love the most about your getting up 5-7 times per night is that you don't just whimper and stir - you wake the neighborhood. I assume this means you will be in theatre someday for the drama you exude at 4 in the morning?

The whole family is starting to enjoy your nightly antics.

I am a strict mom when it comes to sleeping, too - and will let you cry it out. You are so amazing and determined that you can seemingly joyfully cry for 5 hours straight. Wow. My head just popped off.

Now, I know you are mad at me for using Elmer's to stick that bow on you this week - but you need to get over it. I couldn't find the Vaseline anywhere..and the Elmer's washed right out.

And I know you are probably thinking "well, I am her last baby - so she must want to spend 24/7 with me - so I will just figure out a way to make it so..." Which is true to an extent. Or maybe you are just spoiling me now, so when I finally do get sleep, in a year or so, - it is not such a rude awakening when you come home drunk with your friends when you are 16 and wake the whole house up again? Sadly, by then I will probably be too old to care...so thank you for doing this to me while I am still relatively young.

In other news, your world revolves around your sisters. Your face lights up and you squeal when they come home from school. You just want to be near them. I can already picture you next Fall, standing outside waiting for the bus, when you are not in your bed screaming.

You are starting to feed yourself a bit. Not very successfully yet, so Donut is happy to eat the scraps left to the floor. Donut is a freak to eat mushy half-eaten baby food remains.

Esther has named your scowl your "icky face" - and now I get to hear the girls tell you 268 times per days to stop making your "icky face!" A simple smile goes a long way, girlfriend.

In closing, like Mrs Sullivan said this weekend "it is a good thing you are cute!"

Love you no matter what,
Mom

Time...

2010-03-22T06:22:00.003-05:00

"Eloise get your teeth brushed, the bus is coming!"

"Esther, we don't have time to read now, ballet starts in 5 minutes - we are LATE!!"

"I will play that game with you later - the baby needs to eat now."

"I cannot help you with homework, dinner must be made - try to figure it out yourself."

"In a minute I will get you a snack, I need to take this customer phone call."

"I will sit with you and snuggle in just a second - let me put this last load of laundry in the dryer."

Did I just tell my daughter she had to wait for a snuggle, so I could finish laundry? Oh yes I did.

Time.

Mother's need more minutes in every day to do what needs to be done.

If we prioritize family, does that compromise our job, our home, our meals, our laundry?

The days I try to spend cuddling, playing, reading, laughing are met with piles to shovel out after the kids go to bed. My perfect day of doing nothing but touching my children - both physically and emotionally vanishes quickly when I see all that I had let go that day.

So, I spend my days putting my children off - making them wait for my time, my undivided attention. Life of laundry, cleaning, working, cooking, and perhaps even a 10 minute coffee break at 3pm take me away from them.

How can I be a stay at home mom and still have so little time with my kids.

I notice the tension and the sadness most as my selling season is here - I fight with Eloise as she feels the most slighted as she is at school the longest. Esther is brought to tears more often, and the baby - well she cries no matter what I do. They all express in different ways that they need their mom.

So I do what I can - and try to spend even a 1/2 an hour per day of one-on-one time with each of them - playing a game, reading a book, snuggling on the couch watching a movie, throwing a ball. Just a 1/2 hour.

To me - taking that extra 1 1/2 hour to focus 100% on my kids still gives me the time to do the mundane things in our home, gives me the time to still answer the emails and phone calls...and it stops the yelling, the fights, the tears as they know I am available to them.

They also know that it is important that the laundry gets done, that the meals are cooked, that we live in a safe and relatively clean house...and they get to help too. They bake with me, match socks, put away laundry, dust, vacuum and mop.

There are still many times that the 1/2 hour never came - and as I tuck them in each night, we make a plan for tomorrow.

Do you find your family happiness is compromised without your focused time with each child? Do you also balance working outside the home and your family? Do you have some solutions you would like to share?

xoxo,t

Spring Forward...

2010-03-19T20:07:00.005-05:00

We experienced a taste of Spring this week. 60 degrees and sunshine. Our snow melted, our streets were cleared and the sounds of migrating geese filled the air.

Mainly though, the neighborhood came alive again. Kids out riding bikes and scooters down the sidewalks. Neighbors sitting on their front lawns with a book. A rush hour of babies in strollers going past all day long. Life.

We hibernate here in Minnesota from November to March. The snow arrives in November, followed by bitter cold, and the only glimpse of life you see in the neighborhood is that of neighbors rushing to and from their cars, careful not to slip on the ice.

The first nice day - we all emerge and congregate in the middle of the block. Hug and shake hands like long lost friends as kids play chase and pick up where they left off before the Winter. As I watch them play, I am always amazing by how quickly they change.

The girl who in October was a new kindergartner has lost her preschool baby fat and is a long lean girl now.

The little toddler, who was still tripping in October can ride a tricycle.

The 5th grader who began the Winter as a girl, has grown and blossomed into a pre-teen - both body and mind.

And the newborn on the block is now sitting up in her stroller - no longer a little baby - anxious to be a toddler and run and play.

The neighbor ladies flock to her - they want to again hold that sweet baby, who was just a small bundle in their arms last Fall. And as they all approach her, she scowls at them - raising her eyebrows in distaste and then screams at them all to keep their distance.

So they backed away laughing at this opinionated young child, and my favorite neighbor so eloquently said "well, there is a reason God made your child so beautiful - so we can tolerate her difficult personality."

Well said.

Happy Spring!
xoxo,t

Sucker...

2010-03-18T20:22:00.002-05:00

I am firmly against pacifiers. Firmly. Not because I don't believe in a babies inherent need to suckle, but because I can't see their gorgeous faces, because this piece of plastic and rubber is in my way. But I am not so big of a bitch that I cannot excuse the baby with the pacifier, but I do admit to passing ill will motherly judgement to the parent of the 4 year old talking with the pacifier in their mouth.

Really, I try so hard not to judge, as I haven't walked even a step in their shoes, nor do I know their kids...but the pacifier puts me over the edge for some reason.

When my Eloise was born, I was adamantly opposed to the pacifier. And she was a screamer. Screamer. But I chose instead to bounce her night and day and nurse her on demand to get her through that early infancy pacifier free. But then when she was 4 months old, I went back to work and my mom came to nanny for a few months and low and behold this screaming child ended up with a pacifier. After my anger subsided, we made a deal - pacifier was for bed only - nap or nighttime, but bed only - I never wanted to see that in my child's mouth out of the house.Ever.

It worked and she even gave it up for bedtime long before she was 2. I just threw it away one day and she got over it quickly. I am an incredibly mean mom that way.

Esther never cried, so it was a non issue.

Astrid screams. SCREAMS. So I have spent the past 8 months bouncing and rocking and holding and nursing and freaking out. But adamantly avoiding the pacifier. I just don't want to shove that in her mouth just because she is fussing. And she is fussy. FUSSY. Well, about 2 months ago - she started doing this when she is tired.

Yes, sucking her thumb. Funny thing is, she only does it for nap time or bedtime - or to give me a sign she is ready for a nap.

Thank goodness she is finding a way to sooth herself, because frankly, after 8 months I am exhausted.

I just hope she knows how to eventually give it up, because the alternative of me getting rid of it is not a happy thought.

Do you love the pacifier? Do you have a thumb sucker - do you still suck your thumb?(well, maybe I don't really want to know that). Am I a bitch to judge that 4 year old?(okay, don't answer that either..);)
xoxo,t

Happy Family...

2010-03-16T21:29:00.002-05:00

When I saw this picture of me and Kristi with the girls, the first thing I thought was "Hot Damn we make a cute couple!"

I sure need a sister wife.

..and if I cannot have a sister wife, then I am just glad that all of us ladies were able to go to see a Broadway show on Sunday. Mamma Mia was the bomb!

xoxo,t

Small Things...

2010-03-16T05:24:00.002-05:00

As you know, Astrid is not the easiest of babies. At all.

Bath time has been one of biggest issues. She hates her bath, hates the water - whether by sponge, sink, tub, toys, warm, cold, bubbles or sans. Hates it. And since she can scream like no other baby - her bath time screaming is loud enough for the neighbors to call 911 for fear of abuse.

This is not unfamiliar, when we moved into our home 5 years ago, I went to our neighbors - whose home is only separated by a small sidewalk from ours - introduced myself and explained to them to ignore our 2 year olds crying every night at 6:30pm - as that was only bath time. We were really loving parents, but like our children clean.

Eloise stopped complaining about her bath when she turned 5 and was old enough to just take a quick shower.

At 6 months, we signed Eloise up for swimming lessons - with the thought that being immersed in swimming at that young could only develop a good swimmer. She screamed and fought and freaked for 5 years of swimming lessons...and still has little interest to put her body in the water. She takes after my side of the family - mostly made up of non-swimmers.

So we did not offer lessons to Esther, after our first failings - and the girl can swim underwater with no training and can lay in the tub for 3 hours pretending to be a mermaid.

So it was Esther who suggested this week, that now Astrid is sitting, she would take a bath with her and play with her, scrub her and play games.

Within seconds, the screaming stopped and an actual smile emerged.

One less crying episode I have to listen to each day - only 10 more to go.
xoxo,t

One Lonely Louse...

2010-03-15T05:55:00.003-05:00

Oh yes, the lice are back.

Fun times.

Crazy fricking fun times.

Here we are a month later and the coats/animals/bedding/childhood livelihood are still in bags - but yes we still got lice back. I did everything to contain this little f(^*(&^()(%%^s. The checks, the treatments, the nit pickings, the hair cuts, bagging up every household good, the hot laundry, no one has sat on furniture for a month, continual checks.

I am angry...and tired.

Eloise, again. Apparently from her classroom. The 1st grade lice epidemic from her school is evidently not over. I am beyond pissed and feel the need to go in and shave everyone of their 23 heads today - and the teachers and principals for that matter for not continuing the lice checks that I hear they haven't done for 3 weeks.

I still check my kids hair every few days - so I know it wasn't from us.

I wrote a very nasty letter to the school yesterday, using swear words in all. It was glorious, even if I am the only one to ever read it.

They also went on a field trip this week - to a planetarium. Perhaps those lounge chairs are lice magnets? Based on this, I will never, ever put my head on an airplane seat again. Why don't more business people have lice? Maybe they do, but don't have a school nurse to check them?

And yes, we have lice again - at the start of the Matilda Jane line, my busiest weekend. I haven't slept again for 2 days straight with the new mountain of laundry I have, beds to strip, heads to treat and orders to take.

So, I had a great idea to write a children's book about lice - turns out there are no less than 98 of them already available on amazon.com. Way too many parents have been affected evidently, so we have to write books to get our frustrations out.

We also won't be hugging as a family anytime soon - no head to head contact.

The only way I survived this weekend as the launch of the Liberty of London line at Target.

I am coveting the bike.

Nothing like getting to the check-out with Liberty loveliness along with a new lice treatment system and robi comb. It was a bit of a buzz kill.

I love my life.
xoxo,t

Second Fiddle...

2010-03-11T20:35:00.003-06:00

I guess I just assumed the 3 of them would play together. I would go cook dinner and come out to find the 3 of them sitting in a circle playing dolls, and games, and building blocks.

But that doesn't happen. They break-off into pairs and one sits alone. I never knew that even with siblings, three is a crowd.

Esther is the lucky one as the only 2 pairings I see are Astrid/Esther or Eloise/Esther. Eloise will play with Astrid if I ask her to, but she asks me to put a time-frame on just exactly how long she has to sit and play with her. She has things to do that don't involve a drooly baby. Maybe she is already tired of always being the big sister. Mainly she just doesn't like playing silly baby games. She would rather read or write or play a game with Esther.

I feel kind of sad to see someone always alone watching the other 2 play. Is this typical? Is 3 really a crowd?
xoxo,t

Happiness is...

2010-03-10T05:48:00.001-06:00

...snuggling together, watching Sunday morning cartoons in matching jammies without lice.

xoxo,t

If I am dead before they marry...

2010-03-08T19:38:00.003-06:00

....will you please let them know that I put on great 5 year old birthdays? And I will try my best for a sweet 16 and a proper graduation party.

Jed often asks me why we don't entertain more. Is it because I am painfully shy - yes..because I hate to clean my house - yes..but mainly because I am so anal retentive to every flipping detail, that I wear myself out before the party even starts, and when the guests arrive, I would rather hide in the bathroom.

Can you tell we eloped to get married?

As the party was starting on Saturday, Jed said that Kristi and I should start our own birthday party planning service - like a wedding consultant for the potty training sect. Sure, let me get right on that. Since I was falling asleep by 6pm that night from pure mental and physical exhaustion, evidently this isn't my gig. If I had a business like that I would either die from a heart attack, be committed to a mental institution or become a raging alcoholic. Seriously. I would have to be paid an obscene amount of money to do that every weekend to be able to afford really good wine for myself. So basically I think that this business would have to be named "Two Drunk and Heavily Medicated Ladies Children's Parties" ...so perhaps we would not have much business after all...and then how would I buy my wine?

Now who SHOULD start their own 2nd business is Mike. If he ever retires from his 1st successful business, he should become a videographer. He is Kristi's other half, and he helped me learn how to turn on and focus my camera, and attempt to take good pictures. Mike quietly joined the party yesterday and silently taped here and there - and seriously I do not think the girls even noticed him - that is how good he is.

When he sent me this yesterday, I sobbed and sobbed. THIS is why I throw a party for my girls. THIS is the feeling I was trying to capture.

Now we have this to treasure forever. Thank you, Mike.

xoxo,t

The Party...

2010-03-07T11:52:00.004-06:00

Esther's 5th Birthday

A Princess Tea Party
At Esther's Castle
Saturday, March 6th from 1-3 in the afternoon
Princess attire admired but not required

The Menu

Chai Tea Latte
Sparkling Pink Lemonade
Pink Fudge Hearts
Fresh Raspberries and tangerines
Magic Wand Cookies
Finger sandwiches - ham or cucumber
Cheese torts
Crown topped cupcakes

The Festivities

Tape the crown on the princess(made by Eloise)
Decorate your own tea set
Making flower bracelets
Decorating magic wands
..and of course, color the castle

Thank You For Coming

A balloon, a tissue flower and a festively filled handmade Tussie Mussie for each and every princess.

Enjoy...

Free slideshow design generated with Smilebox

Party Today....

2010-03-06T04:57:00.003-06:00

After a long wait, because of the lice, Esther's party is today. Thank God. I would've never been ready 2 weeks ago. I am still not ready.

I have to remember they are 5 year olds - I could put on a princess movie and give them Target cake and a plastic toy, and they would be happy. My house doesn't have to be perfectly clean.

I went to bed at 1 and am up at 4 and my house is a disaster. Jed stayed up past one assembling a castle for our living room.

I was up late trying to salvage some baking. I am a really decent baker - but spent 6 hours yesterday yelling at my kids to give me space so I could bake, and then I threw it all away. Nothing turned out. My kids were home from school create chaos while I futilely tried to clean and fold the pile of laundry on the couch. Then 2 party guests cancelled. I was in tears, and had a Matilda Jane show to do - and sat here in my pony tail, no make-up, no bra, covered in flour and wondered if the movie/Target cake thing was a great idea for tomorrow and if I could cancel my show.

In the heat of my despair, peace came in the form of a phone call. With a way too generous offer and a friendly voice. Her timing was perfect and was just what I needed to take a moment for myself and pull myself together and get to my show - giving me some separation from my home and family and my kitchen.

Today is a new day and I am ready for the perfect(or even not so perfect) Princess Tea Party for Queen Esther.

Come on over, Kristi is making the cake, so you know it will be good.
xoxo,t

Attention Deficit

2010-03-04T20:07:00.003-06:00

A friend of mine blogged a few weeks ago about possibly adding pictures of her kids to her blog. I totally understand what a big deal this is. It is scary. You are putting pictures of your kids out there on Al Gore's information superhighway. You are usually putting them out there for a totally benign and innocent reason - - perhaps for friends and family to see who live far away, to poke fun of your kids, for scrapbook/remembrance purposes, or purely to show the world how incredibly perfect they are.

We blog for many reasons - - but truthfully, if you have a public blog, you are doing it for some sort of attention - - whether it is the attention of your friend, neighbor, grandmother - or for a product endorsement - - or perhaps just for a friendly comments now and then - - just some sort of recognition for your writing, your pictures, your topics, your efforts, your humor, your heartache. We all do appreciate a bit of ego boosting attention.

Unfortunately, whether through blogging or posting pictures on a chat board or perhaps a social networking site - someone may use your pictures or content in a way that you do not want. People can be mean. People can be sick. It is attention we don't want or deserve. But it happens. Attention many times is not positive.

So we take our chances and continue to post pictures of our kids, or question whether we should. I know I have about 150 readers a day - and no, I don't know who they all are. But somehow I still feel relatively safe in my small, trivial blog bubble. Maybe crazy. Maybe not.

But what I do know is that I personally cannot have my cake and bitch about it too. If I am going to put my pictures out there - bad things may happen to those photos and that sucks. So if, as a hypothetical example, I would post my kids pictures on a large social networking site that has 400 million subscribers - and you don't even have to be a user of that site to see this picture of my child WITH their name on it, then perhaps I am taking a risk that something bad could happen to that photo, and frankly I should not have the right to bitch about it later.

We all take chances with our security on-line. And I totally get the moms who blog with an alias and sans pictures. It is hard for me to really get to know them, but I get it.

We all need to do what we need to do, and who am I to judge? No one really. Just another mommy blogger with perfect and gorgeous kids. ;)

xoxo,t

P.S. Sorry to be in such a mood - off to drink another glass of wine now. ;)

I need Music...

2010-03-02T20:10:00.002-06:00

A new store opened down at the corner. I used piano store. It has a big yellow sign outside that says "Piano's!"

I so want to go in. I don't feel that I can though. I feel like I don't belong there. They will see it on my face when I walk in that I have no business being in a piano store.

I have wanted a piano for oh, about 36 years. I made my parents take me lessons as a kid, but without a piano at home to actually practice on, I never made it past Campton Races. And I quit lessons out of total frustration.

But over the years - whenever I enter a home with a piano, it is the first place I go. Just to touch it. Dream. Wish I could play.

Now why it never dawned on me as I became an adult that I could buy my own piano and I could take lessons again...I am not sure. But now I have an overwhelming and deep down need to own a piano. If only to dust and touch, I still must own a piano. Perhaps one of my girls will learn. Perhaps so will I.

There is something about a piano in the heart of a home. Something about the ability to make music as a family.

And I know that for us to have a piano in our small home, we may have to forgo a couch. But at this point I would rather have a piano and just sit on pillows on the floor.

Last week, this lovely couple came back to the Mayo Clinic for an encore performance of this impromptu concert they gave in 2008. I have a feeling they have always had music in their home. Happy, happy music.

xoxo,t

Please Take My Cat...

2010-03-01T21:31:00.002-06:00

You all know my love hate relationship with Donut the Cat. I love cats. I do. I am a cat person. Not a dog person. Dogs are fine, I just have no urge to own one and frankly they do nothing for me.

I am drawn to cats - they intrigue me, they are mysterious, they are graceful and beautiful and fiercely independent.

I was not allowed to have a cat growing up. I lived with dog people that I called my parents. I got my first cat in college and I have to say, I have loved my cats.

I have a very hard time loving Donut.

I don't know if he just that dumb and or just that smart, but daily I question his actions.

And I know he is having a really and I mean really hard time to adjusting to the baby. He is not pleased. At all. When she is napping, he either tries to quickly jump on her and lay on her head or chest or screams LOUDLY to wake her up. I try locking him away and he just screams LOUDER.

Lately, for fun, he starts screaming LOUDLY at 3am to wake her. So, even though it is 15 below zero, I know throw him out the door, into the snowbank until morning.

I think he has finally gotten my not so subtle hints of annoyance and is now trying to find a new home. He is getting locked in neighbors garages - I assume to steal their cars? Last week, he hopped on an open door to a school bus on our block. Yes, my cat jumped onto a school bus - full of kids. What cat is not afraid of a huge, loud, yellow school bus? My cat. My fabulous cat. The driver was thrilled and I had to retrieve him.

To top that antic - on Friday, my mailman parked his van in front our own home to drop-off a package. He left his door open and quickly got back to his van and sped away. He stopped - suddenly - 3 houses down..opened his door and threw Donut out of it. Stupid Donut didn't hide well enough.

I am hoping Donut has better success with his getaway this week.
xoxo, t

Queen Esther...

2010-02-28T05:17:00.007-06:00

"Go and gather all the Jews in Shushan, Fast for me: do not eat or drink for three days and nights. My girls and I will also fast. Then I'll go to the king -- against the law -- and if I am killed, I will be the only one killed." The Book of Esther 4:16

We followed the Jewish calendar the year before our 2nd daughters birth. With a Seder at Passover, and the start of our Easter morning tradition of going to the zoo . The High Holidays in Fall were met with the need to find many days of alternative daycare, as school was closed. We spent December preparing for Hanukkah -- with a concert and baking potato latkas and lighting the Menorah with friends. We spent some Friday evenings eating a Shabbat meal with our neighbors. We bought Challah bread from our corner kosher bakery. Eloise gave a blessing in Hebrew before many meals -- saying in her sweet 2 year old voice "Ba-ruch a-tah A-do-nai..."

So it was on the last weekend of February 2005, Eloise and I were busy in the kitchen baking Hamantashen and preparing her costume for the Purim celebration. We read many stories of Queen Esther saving the Jews. How brave, strong, wise and compassionate this queen was. Queen Esther put her own life on the line to convince the King to save the Jews and punish the evil Haman.

Purim is the most joyous holidays in the Jewish calendar -- celebrated with parties and costumes. It is the ultimate triumph of good versus evil.

Purim is today, Esther's birthday. Our Esther.

Eloise chose her sisters name. Queen Esther - the brave. An original strong woman. The hidden and bright morning star to be literal.

The week after Esther's birth, I marched with Eloise in the Purim parade at the Jewish Community Center - - with my newborn blond hair, blue-eyed baby in my arms. Over and over, the women we met would ask "what is your beautiful new daughter's name?"

"Esther!" I would say strongly. Every time they would meet my eyes and pause, with a nod and a smile, giving complete approval. All agreed that she was indeed an Esther.

That this Esther, given this important name, would indeed brave, compassionate and wise. This Esther gave us reason for complete joy and celebration. And nobody likes a party more than Esther.

And she will be our shining morning star. Forever.

Happy Birthday our Queen Esther.

We Love You,
Mom

Weekend Reading...

2010-02-26T11:14:00.003-06:00

Do you ever feel a bit weird reading your children some of the classic books from your childhood? We have been reading the Bobbsey Twins and boy do I enjoy their adventures.
But.
Do you read it with today's politically correct words? Do you skip parts? Do you read it as it was written 50 years ago?
And I am not just talking about the description of their maid, Dinah...even this sentence bugs me "Mrs. Bobbsey looked young and pretty standing beside her tall, athletic husband" I puked a bit in my mouth when I read that.

So we while we continue our edited Bobbsey Twin readings...here are a few blogs I have been enjoying of late that I am sharing with you.

The Women's Colony. - Seriously funny, enjoyable and brilliant. There are some amazing writers who contribute to this blog. They get me. Enjoy.

The Bloggess. If you have an aversion to profanity - don't go there. But. I happen to love the appropriately placed "f" word - so I do go there. A lot. She is FUNNY and makes me laugh everytime I visit.

Esther turns 5 this weekend, so I am busy turning her hair pink and baking cupcakes - when I am not crying on the bathroom floor thinking about the fact that my baby is 5.

Have a great weekend.
xoxo,t

Daily Bread...

2010-02-24T21:05:00.003-06:00

Two months into the New Year and I am making some progress on my goals.

I am using yeast for baking at least once per week - either making breads, rolls, or pizza doughs. You know, because I have like 3 extra hours to myself each week to knead dough - between lice picks, laundry, nursing and Girl Scout cookies, and of course the daily life crap. My husband saw my head explode today when I came home to find him reading on the couch with his feet up, oblivious to the 6 loads of laundry around him, homework to be done or dinner to be made, because we have too much daily life crap to deal with to find time for that behavior.

But I had time to make bread on Sunday. Maybe that is like my reading on the couch time. Not.

Baking with yeast is easier than I imagined it would be though, and my heart is full when I see my labor disappear within minutes of removing it from the oven.

Homemade bread is making my family happy. And getting my aggression out on the dough takes me to a happy place.

How is your New Year going?
xoxo,t

Astrid 7 months...

2010-02-23T21:25:00.002-06:00

I did it today...I left my baby.

That is a VERY big deal for me. I am rather psycho when it comes to my babies. I never leave them. Ever. I nurse exclusively, stress about pumping and fret when I am away - even to Target for a 1/2 hour. I left Esther for the first time when she was 11 month old...for 6 hours and it was awful.

So, I was a wreck about leaving Astrid for 3 hours today at 7 months. My breasts ached the whole time I was without her. Too much information? Too bad.

The separation was painful for me.

Why am I so strange? I see other moms going out for lunches and dinners and off to work...perhaps even away for a weekend. I physically ache thinking about being away from my babies until they are at least a year old. Ache.

Help me here. Do you enjoy your time away? Do your fret about it? Do you think they should live at home until they are 35? Do you think I am crazy? Do you think I smell?
xoxo,t

Tooth Scary?

2010-02-22T20:38:00.002-06:00

Eloise finally lost her 2nd top tooth a few days ago. It was hanging precariously for days and was disgusting and would spurt out blood at really fun moments. She also could only eat food through a straw for 3 days as real food hurt her tooth and produced more blood.

This made for fun times during lice season. Really..just one more thing to worry about. I wanted to just yank the sucker out, but she was still mad at me about the hair. I didn't want to use too many mean mommy cards at once. It is good to spread them out a bit.

So I played good mommy and fed her smoothies and shakes...but picked her head every time she drank anything.

I think I now have total OCD from nit-picking. I do it constantly. Every time one of them walks by, I spray them with oil and comb through it.

So the tooth fell out, but she didn't want to put it under her pillow...well for one, she doesn't have a pillow..she has a beach towel currently. She determined there was no way the tooth fairy would know to look under a beach towel. Then she couldn't use her "official" tooth fairy pillow to put the tooth in, because it with the other 4000 stuffed animals and pillows are in leaf bags for 2 more weeks. She determined that the tooth fairy would not come if her official tooth fairy pillow was not used. The tooth has sat on our dining room table for 2 days as she weighed her options.

Talk about flipping OCD. My god I just wanted to yell "I am the gosh-forsaken tooth fairy and believe me I will find it and LEAVE YOU MONEY..so just get over yourself child!" But I didn't.

Finally I convinced her to put the tooth in a baggie to protect it from lice and put it next to her beach towel.

When she woke up this morning, she found the tooth gone and $2 in it's place BUT NO BAGGIE. She flipped.

Apparently she expected the fairy to take the tooth out of the baggie, but slip the money inside the baggie. This was never discussed.

Upon her freaking out that the money was not in the baggie, and me coming up with no logical answer except wanting to say "I AM THE TOOTH FAIRY AND HAD NO CLUE HOW THIS WAS SUPPOSE TO WORK!!"...Esther said "well, the tooth fairy is so small that if she were to climb inside the bag to leave the money she would stop breathing and DIE!"

Problem solved.
xoxo,t

Lice Cuts...

2010-02-21T21:07:00.003-06:00

We are digging out here. The lice are gone(hopefully) - no sightings for 4 days now. I am still doing 6 loads of laundry a day, spraying furniture, vacuuming twice per day, changing bedding daily, three daily hair checks and no one is allowed on the furniture.

I believe my diligence will continue for the next week. I do not want them back.

I love my girls with long hair. I never wanted to force a cut upon them. Lice made it unavoidable.

Now I love their short hair and I hope they do to. And they forgive me?

I have wine now. I can breathe again. I even took time to start prepping Esther's delayed birthday party....making the party hats, linens and flowers.

I am hopeful that this will be a much better week.

Any week lice free is a better week.

Don't ever get lice. Ever.
xoxo,t

Important News?

2010-02-19T20:03:00.002-06:00

Was anyone else home at 10 A.M. Central today? Come on you stay at home moms - you know you had just turned the TV on to watch The View.

It is here that I admit that I sit down to nurse at 10 every morning, just so I can turn on The View and watch the banter between Whoopie and Elisabeth. I love their Hot Topics and well - some good gossip for my day.

Imagine my surprise, and at first worry when ABC said "we interrupt this program for a special report" - as the Special Report graphics filled the screen. My heart stopped - was it Haiti, another earthquake, an accident, the president was shot, a tsunami, an Olympic disaster?

No, it was Tiger Woods giving a press conference.

Seriously, every channel interrupted their programming to televise the Tiger Woods press conference.

Who the hell does he think he is that 1. we actually even give a shit at this point and 2. that he is so important to preempt any programming whatsoever. Am I the only one who has completely forgotten about it? I am a golfer and guess what - I DO NOT CARE. Apologize to your wife, your family, your sponsors, you friends, your employees PRIVATELY and leave me out of it. I DO NOT CARE. I do not need to listen to your robotic attempt to regain your popularity. I do not need to listen to you read verbatim some bullshit you may or may not have written. I do not feel sorry for you and frankly I DO NOT CARE about you. At all.

And now after not even worrying about you for the last 3 months, I am now mad at you because there were NO Hot Topics on The View this morning. Frankly, I would now like a public apology from you for that.

xoxo,t

Lice Ramblings...

2010-02-18T23:10:00.004-06:00

In this 7 day period I have the Matilda Jane Launch, Esther's birthday party and Girl Scout Cookie delivery (did I mention I am cookie mom?).

The above list was highly manageable..unless you get sick and lice.

Did I mention I was sick and lost my voice? It rocks. I have sexy 4 pack a day smokers voice now. Call me.

Matilda Jane is still selling without me there. Not sure I am comfortable with that sentence.

Poor Esther's party has been postponed by two weeks. No one wants to come to a lice heads party - nor enter her house. That would not be a nice parting gift to give.

The cookies will have to live in our garage until we can get them delivered. I have heard they freeze well.

Tiernee still comes daily to pick my head. This is a trait of a very good friend. Not only is she not worried about getting lice, she brings Chocolate babka and never mentions how horribly gray my hair is or that I should really investigate some Head and Shoulders. She is my window to the outside world. I have been locked in with my kids for 6 days now. She will enter my home and act like we are normal and not fear for her life. You can tell she has had lice before. She is happy to wage war with me.

I miss people. A statement I never thought I would make.

xoxo,t

I have done this without wine...

2010-02-17T19:57:00.003-06:00

I gave up wine at New Years. I decided that I would not drink any wine from New Years until Ash Wednesday. As I don't formally "celebrate" Lent - I decided that I would give up wine before Lent and then make fun of all of my sucker friends during Lent who were silly enough to give up wine now.

For 7 weeks I have been dry, except for 2 glasses at Kristi's house 2 weeks ago. But drinking at Kristi's doesn't count. It is just unfortunate that she only invited me over one time during the last 7 weeks. Darn taxes.

I had plans to go buy wine today, lots of wine, but didn't think it would be prudent to take my lice infested family out into public.

Oh you heard me right - WE HAVE LICE.

LICE.

Before I go on about my hell during the past 72 hours, I would like to formally apologize to the 2 little blond girls who road my bus in 4th grade. The 2 sisters who lived in the trailer park behind the 3D discount store. The 2 sisters who were sent home with lice. The 2 sisters that we called "lice heads" on the bus for the next 2 years.

Kids are mean. We were mean.

I would also like to make that shrink appointment now - for 15 years down the road when Eloise is seeking counseling for her mothers reaction upon finding the lice in her head. Yes, I win mother of year. I tilted her head over and saw a BUG on my CHILD's HEAD. I screamed like a baby and ran from the room screaming "OMG YOU HAVE LICE YOU HAVE LICE!!!!"

Oh yes, mother of the year right here. Turns out the proper reaction was "oh no sweetie - looks like you have lice. It is not your fault. You are so beautiful and perfect and mommy will take care of it in a few days" - this was then to be followed by a warm embrace turns out. Not for my child to see her mother running away from her screaming. tsk tsk.

Jed also wins father of the year when he told her we should just shave her head. Oh yes he did. We ROCK as parents. ROCK. It is so hard being the oldest kid watching your parents make so many mistakes.

We have now spent the last 72 hours filling 42 leaf bags with stuffed animals and pillow and coats and rugs and toys and dolls.

I am on my 33rd load of laundry - the linens, towels, coats, pillows, clothing - over and over again. I can only hope the silver lining is that my 1979 Kenmore washer explodes and I get a new one. My 1981 Kenmore dryer is taking almost 3 hours to dry each load. Thus laundry is going 24 hours per day and so am I. My head is hitting the bed at 1am and rising at 4am to put in another load. My kids are sleeping on beach towels as they are easier to wash than pillows. I vacuum every 4 hours and spray my home constantly with tea tree oil. I make my kids stay off the furniture and their little butts hurt from sitting on the hardwood.

After spending 3 hours picking eggs out of their hair yesterday, I finally cut about 6 inches off of both their heads. It is Summer bob time 3 months early. I have had a few Joan Crawford moments.

I have forgotten to feed them and they were both crying by 11am yesterday asking if they could eat.

They have been home from school now for 5 days straight and between laundry, treating heads, picking heads, nursing and bouncing little miss cranky pants - who thank God is bald - I have little time to think about groceries or food.

And during this time the new Matilda Jane season started. In fact the season started an hour after I found the first louse. I love my life.

For 3 days my phone has been ringing off the hook, I have not only done laundry, treating, picking and nursing but have tried to sit in front of a computer to get people their cookie tanks. I have been yelled at, cursed at and have been told what a disappointment I am to them because of not getting them their tank top. I have cried to one as I hung up on her because I needed to get back to picking the nits out of my child's hair.

And yes, I have had shows scheduled that I cannot work because we have lice.

I have really good friends though - who come to my house and check my head, treat my kids, tell them what they need to hear as their mother is failing them. They bring me more laundry detergent, do my shows for me and mostly let me know they are here if I need them.

I need wine really. That is all I need right now. Wine.
xoxo,t

Happy Valentine's Day...

2010-02-13T07:55:00.001-06:00

xoxo, t

The Refrigerator Confession...

2010-02-12T05:57:00.003-06:00

This is how I know my husband is leaving on a trip.

The Empty Refrigerator.
I love it.

We have many housewifery duties - and grocery shopping and cooking a proper meal are on the top of my list of things I hate. Hate.

Not because I hate cooking, but both of these duties take time, balancing and people management. Yes, I have nursed near an open flame on the stove. I have held my babies on my back hip while opening the oven. I have relied on PBS kids as my babysitter so I can just cook.a.meal. This is if I manage to actually find that window of time to make a meal plan, a grocery list, get to the store and unpack the groceries.

I also find most of this I do as I feel my husband expects to eat a meal..whereas I really could care less, nor could the girls. He is the only one to ever ask "what is for dinner?" or stand at the fridge and say "is there anything to eat in here?" or "did you buy ice cream?" (which I never do...)

Perhaps it is the same phenomenon with teenage boys?

So, I admit I do celebrate a wee bit when he goes on a trip. I don't grocery shop, I don't cook, that duty is off my list for as many days as he is gone. Us girls live on cereal and salad...pancakes and popcorn. We watch movies at night and paint toenails.

But mostly we just enjoy taking a vacation from the kitchen.

It is almost like going to Mexico for me. Almost.

xoxo,t

What housewifery duties do you abhor? Do you love when you husband goes on a short trip or miss him dearly? Am I awful to enjoy the break?

Dear JCrew...

2010-02-10T08:57:00.004-06:00

I love you. I do. I have loved you for years - the place to find some cute basics and the place to find a few stand-out pieces to give me a bit a frou-frou, some panache or just a bit of somethin-somethin.

But I really need you to stop selling these..

..because I cannot wear them anymore. I have reached the age where I can never pull-off wearing a headband again..no matter how hard I try. I now look like my Grandma - wearing a headband. It looks stupid.

Not good.

Now, I realize that I am not your complete demographic, and I know a thing or two about marketing - since that was my full-time job before my full-time breastfeeding gig started.

If I had to guess, you target ladies ages 18-50ish - which is a huge spread as during this time our boobs sag, our wrinkles emerge and well, by 40 we look like idiots in headbands.

However, because we just bought that cute ruffle blouse, we now feel compelled to accessorize with the headband. We cannot help ourselves.

So, for our sanity and well, to save us from further public humiliation, can you please just stop selling these as a ladies accessory - as I cannot police myself.

Thank you for your time.

xoxo,
t.

...so leave a comment - what are you too old to wear? or too young to wear perhaps??

Thank Heaven for Big Girls Too...

2010-02-09T05:54:00.002-06:00

I took some pictures of Eloise the other day for a Valentine's collage, and I was getting frustrated with her.

She wasn't smiling "right" or looking all "cute" like I expect from my little girls.

She wouldn't wear a pink shirt or a bow in her hair.

She wanted to wear something gray and her hair straightened and down...like me.

She wanted to show-off her ever changing mouth and teeth. She is so proud.

I downloaded my pictures to my computer thinking that I got nothing good.

But what I saw was beauty - not that of a little girl anymore though, but of an older girl...

...a look into the future of what is to become of my household as these little ones age and change, develop and grow.

I cried - tears of "oh my gosh how did this happen so fast" and tears of "oh my gosh, what beautiful women they will become."

xoxo,t

5 A.M.

2010-02-07T20:02:00.002-06:00

I have company at 5 A.M. now. I love her, but I hate it.

5 A.M. is my running time, my coffee time, my computer time, my quiet time.

Now I have company. Company who sings and gurgles and coos and demands constant attention.

She cannot run with me, she doesn't drink coffee and she is jealous of my computer like the cat is of her. Mainly she is not quiet.

When my mom was a young, new mother of 20, her first baby woke-up by 5 A.M. every morning and she told me stories of getting up with him, putting him in the playpen(baby cage) with his toys and then snoozing off and on upon the couch nearby.

I have no need to sleep, I just want to plop her on the floor so I can go running or selfishly read some blogs. She is much too demanding for that.

So, I beer-bong my coffee and shake toys at her while I watch the morning news. Problem is, Matt Lauer doesn't come on until 7. He is like my morning porn. Not that I have evening porn. But morning Matt Lauer porn is good. He makes my morning quite a bit brighter. I just wish he started work at 5 A.M. There must be some other 40 year old moms of babies, who lust after him who can sign my petition for the very early Today show? Please?

xoxo,t

On a Much Lighter Note from Yesterday...

2010-02-04T09:19:00.002-06:00

No matter how sad or melancholy I may be - I know I had kids to provide me with comic relief..

Eloise and Esther come running to the kitchen yelling "MOM MOM quick we both need a glass of water!!!"

Me "Why so urgently?"

Eloise "We need to get this yucky taste out of our mouths - hurry now!!!!"

Me "What yucky taste - what did you eat?"

Esther "We were sucking on each others toes and eating our socks just like Astrid does."

xoxo,t

The Braids...

2010-02-03T08:48:00.002-06:00

She pulled tightly at her granddaughters hair. The only proper way to French braid is to do it tightly. The granddaughter winced at the procedure, but knew the pain was worth the final product.

Her fingers worked quickly and professionally, as they should, having spent many hours of her life braiding her 6 daughters hair most every morning.

She laughed as she braided, as she told stories of her childhood and just acted plain silly.

Mainly the granddaughter didn't care so much about the braids. She just wanted her Grandma to braid her hair - to have her undivided attention and listen to her sweet, soft voice and lively laughter. Mainly the granddaughter just wanted to feel her Grandmas sweet touch.

And she would laugh and tell her granddaughter the same thing, every time she braided her hair..."Oh, Tracy - I am so sorry you inherited my thin, limp hair. It is so hard to braid. I pray for a daughter for you with thick, long locks."

The granddaughter would close her eyes and dream about the daughters she would have with thick hair - unlike her own and her grandmas.

She would finish the braiding the same way every time. With a gentle kiss on the top of her granddaughters head.

The final product was always perfect.

The granddaughter looked up into her Grandma's sparkling eyes and thanked her for braiding her hair and laughed like a school girl at the braids she now wore as a 32 year old woman.

The granddaughter would never feel too old for her Grandma's touch or to hear another one of her stories.
****
As the granddaughter gently braided her own daughters hair this morning, a cardinal flew by the window.

A tear ran down the granddaughters face as she remembered that this is the day her Grandma passed 4 years ago.

How bittersweet to kiss her own daughters head and wish for her a daughter with thin and shiny hair - hair just like her Grandma's.

xoxo,t

No more butt wiping?

2010-02-02T06:24:00.002-06:00

5 is a very big deal in our home. 5 is no longer a little kid/preschooler - 5 is a soon to be primary student and a very big kid.

5 year olds set the table - even the glasses.
5 year olds wash the table after dinner AND can now reach the counter tops.
5 year olds have to move beyond matching socks and now fold towels and even learn to fold a shirt.
5 year olds make their beds, tie their own shoes, zip their own zippers, put their own toothpaste on their brushes..

...but most importantly, a 5 year old wipes their own butt.

Thank God.

Therefore, for such a large entry into the realm of a big kid to happen - I make a pretty big deal out of a 5 year olds birthday party.

Eloise still talks about her 5th birthday.

Esther doesn't turn 5 for 26 more days..but we already have 2 weeks of planning behind us and many more hours to go.

We sit and write out storyboards and poster boards full of ideas.
We look at fabric swatches for her skirt, her party hats, her linens.
We taste cake samples and plan games
We make a list of proper guests and choose invites direct from England(I hope they get here soon.)

Esther knows how to throw a party and knows exactly what she wants.

Stay tuned for a most glamorous and proper 5 year old party.

..and if you don't hear from me - I am neck deep in tulle. But at least not wiping butts.

xoxo,t

Freedom...

2010-02-01T09:02:00.002-06:00

I have to admit that I am one of those moms that hates snow days, and school breaks, and teacher "in-service" days, Summer break and pretty much most weekends.

I love a good school day.

I go a bit crazy with messes and toys and art and food and just generally too many people underfoot on a day off. My head explodes.

Too many people need me - "Mom I need a snack" "Mom what is for dinner" "Mom where is this or that" "Mom Esther is bothering me" "Mom,mom,mom, MOMOMOMOMOMOM.."

It is enough to change my name.

Last week, with a 3 day weekend approaching I was consumed with fret and negative anticipation. I asked the girls what they wanted to do and they responded with "nothing." I wondered how I would survive.

But I did. Turns out they have turned that corner of needed constant interaction/entertaining/annoying needing - and the 2 of them just played, all by themselves, for 3 days straight.

THREE whole days - I was just there for meals..but otherwise..THEY NEVER EVEN TALKED TO ME.

They played school and house and swimming and dolls and art class and ballet and just PLAYED, like kids, all day, for three days and NEVER TALKED TO ME.

And best of all, they never fought and they picked up after themselves.

It was an amazing glimpse into freedom. And I liked it.

Of course this one kept saying "eeh eehh eeeehhh" all weekend long.

xoxo,t

New to Me...

2010-01-29T06:27:00.002-06:00

About 2 years ago at my first Matilda Jane conference, I roomed with the one of the sweetest woman you will ever meet. Having not roomed with a woman in many years for many reasons I was intrigued to see the many accoutrement's in her toiletry bag - the make-up, the lotions, the beautiful products, but mainly the intriguing flat iron.

In high school, I rose by 5am every morning to burn the shit of my hair - to curl it and tease it and aqua net it until it stood a good 6 inches above my head in glorious 80's style. I would then plaster my face with Maybelline liquid base and blue eyeshadow with occasional streaks of pink.

I graduated to college and it was there that I threw away all of my products - and my hair hasn't seen a curling product or my face a base product since. My toiletry bag became one of lotion, deodorant and toothpaste and my hair was held in a ponytail.

Upon unpacking the flat iron I asked "what is that? what is that for?" My sweet friend laughed at me and said "why it is a flat iron - you have never seen one?" She then proceed to make her hair as smooth and beautiful as a baby's bottom and I was impressed with this new technology.

For two long years I have thought about that encounter and the beauty that flat iron made, so on Monday while making my Target $100 store run, there was an end cap of beautiful bubblegum pink flat irons that caught my eye.

Could I do it? Do I need it? It's had been 22 years since I owned my last hair product..would it seem obsessive and just a wee bit silly? Could I tell anyone?

I sheepishly put it in my cart and hid it under the paper towels like a man shopping for feminine products and made my way to check-out.

Upon unpacking the bags, my girls exclaimed "oh Mom, what is that?" I said "I believe it is something you can straighten or curl your hair with."

"Can you do ours?" They exclaimed loudly like I had brought home the best party game ever.

As I did their hair and they smiled in approval at the results - I had forgotten how a simple item can make you feel so beautiful. I am not sure this will ever be used on my hair, but the beauty gained from this purchase has been worth every dime.

xoxo,t

Astrid 6 months...

2010-01-27T20:59:00.002-06:00

Dear Astrid at 6 months,

Ditto.

..except now you also lay there on the floor and go "eeehhh eeehhh" and whine.all.flipping.day.long if no one is shaking a toy at you. Thank God for the older toy shakers in this house.

Love, Mom

Dear First Grade...

2010-01-26T05:54:00.006-06:00

I would like to start by saying that I appreciate your challenging curriculum for my daughter, as I want to start this note as passive aggressively as I can and butter you up before I tell you how much you suck.

Her first report card was so wonderful and just about perfect except where you said that "she needs to work on her presentation skills." I beg to differ. She is in first grade and I really don't care about her presentation skills nor will I make her practice.

Now I know that it is our fault for signing her up for the gifted and talented program and all, and I know she is brilliant. In fact just yesterday when I left her for a few moments by my running car, I came back to find her behind my car breathing in the "pretty smoke" - brilliant I tell ya and gifted on top of that.

When other parents at this school share about 6 year old Johny's 5th grade math brilliance, I first throw up in my mouth because I don't care, and I don't share her 6th grade reading ability - I share the exhaust story...because that is FUNNY and I really don't like talking about my kid in a gifted way. That is weird and wrong.

So, first grade, when we received in December, the "Culture Heritage" project that said:

"Research and write a report and prepare a 10 minute presentation about something special about your ancestry, a family custom or story. Be creative and make sure the student does the research and writing."

..I became unglued. First Grade??? Research? Report? Presentation??? And furthermore, I can appreciate her fellow classmates that are 2nd and even 1st generation Americans and I want to listen to their reports...but for us mutts with kids who have like 14 countries of origin, I am grasping at straws here to get 10 minutes of interesting content. But why should I worry, it is not like I have to do the work or anything.

"We" chose Scotland as that is where we were married and we both have some Scottish back there...but really we are no more Scottish than the Pope is Chinese. Really.

This is pretty much how the student directed report went:

Me "Okay Eloise, here are some Countries and family stories that you can choose from to write about.."

Eloise "How long is this going to take?"

Me "Until we are done. I was thinking about Scotland and you can talk about your last name and when your parents were married."

Eloise "Do you think I will have time to still ice skate today?"

Me "So, here is how I am thinking we will assemble the poster board."

Eloise "Can Esther do the gluing?"

Skipping to the end of a LONG day...
Me "Now I have all of the content prepared - you just need to finish assembling the poster board, copy what I have written in your own script and practice and learn what I did here."

Eloise "Why does Morrison have 2 r's. Is the 2nd one really necessary?"

In conclusion, First Grade, as much as I appreciated this lesson and all, and in as much as I know my child is brilliant and in as much as I know that we signed up for this, it sucks and they are NOT ready for this and as a parent - I went to school already and I don't want to spend my Sundays doing this when there is a perfectly good ice rink out back for me to perfect my waltz jump. Olympic trials are coming soon.

Warmly in brilliance,
Eloise's Mom

The Sins of my Mother...

2010-01-25T08:17:00.005-06:00

There are many things that I forgive of my mother...
- her lack of baking skills
- her voiced opinions
- her lack of knowledge of Monet
- her tenacious personality that only a person barely passing 5 feet tall can have

I see in my own motherhood that I need to also be an advocate for my kids - whether they want me to be or not - and with everything a Mother does, we do from our hearts.

There is only one thing that after now 35 years I still could not forgive of my mother.

This..

...not just the haircut that was forced upon me - but wow all of a sudden with this new short "do" I should also be dressed like a boy to match my brother. Really?

I would like to now publicly apologize and forgive my Mom, as now here I deal with brushing out 2 girls long hair with knots and having to deal with crying and screaming and fights every.damn.morning. By 8am I need a stiff drink.

My mom was a pretty smart cookie to cut it off and end the morning madness.

Sure, I still wish I had long locks...but all is now forgiven.

Sorry Mom.

Moms are not really superheros, we just play one at home. We sin daily with our shortcomings and trials and errors. But we succeed daily with our love.

Anything you need to forgive of your Mom today?
xoxo,t

In Time...

2010-01-23T08:30:00.003-06:00

When Eloise was a baby, we would go to ECFE classes and daycare and see these babies getting teeth at 4 months, crawling at 6 months, walking at 9 months.

Eloise sat on our laps - toothless and motionless. She would bury her head in the crook of my arm and hide and not play with other children.

I started wondering if she would ever get a tooth, sit-up, crawl, walk, play.

We bought books like Ruby in Her Own Time and Leo the Late Bloomer.

Unfortunately we did not focus at the time that she talked by 10 months and turned out to be an early reader, and one of the best friends you could ever have.

...and in time at 10 months she sat, 13 months got a tooth, 14 months crawled and 18 months walked.

So now we wait for her teeth to fall out. 7 seems like the magic age for her as she has now lost 3 teeth. She is so proud..and we are now in no hurry.

xoxo,t

You Never...

2010-01-21T05:07:00.002-06:00

You never let us have fun.
You never feed us what we want for dinner.
You never let us stay up late.
You never let us order books.
You never help with our homework.
You never play with me instead of HER.
You never let me wear what I want.
You never wake me up on time so I am not rushed.
You never take my side.
You never pack my backpack right.
You never brush my hair gently.
You never let us watch TV like our friends do.
You never say yes.
You never are nice.
You never let me do ANYTHING.

Things that I hear every day, that I wish I never did. I cannot imagine how long this list will be when they are teenagers.

xoxo,t

Big Plans

2010-01-20T05:16:00.002-06:00

Esther told me yesterday that she is never going to college as she could never leave home. She wants to live with us forever, but still have 18 kids and another mommy(Sister wife?) to help her.

This will never happen - she will leave home, no way are 18 kids living here, but I do admit - there are many days I would do anything for a sister wife.

I wanted to go to college, have a big career and a house decorated in mainly white where no children were ever allowed.

Eloise is very much the same - she talks of college already and lists the careers she wants and isn't too partial to babies. They are messy and kind of gross. I do agree. I tell her that when they are your own babies - none of that bothers you as you let them give you sloppy kisses. She still keeps her distance from Astrid's.

So I have started making Eloise feed Astrid dinner while I cook. Eloise squeals for help when there are pears on Astrid's cheeks to rub off. But Astrid LOVES it. Having never had a younger sibling, it is so endearing to me to see how much Astrid adores her big sisters.

And her big sisters pretty much love her to pieces as long as she is not too gross. I pretty much feel the same way about them.

xoxo,t

So Busy Here..

2010-01-19T06:37:00.001-06:00

So sorry to be a bit lax in my blogging of late.

I am so busy dealing with very important family matters.

For example:

Yesterday, the big girls come running to me yelling "Mom, Mom we both have to poop really badly but we can't decide who should go first!!! Tell us, who should go first!!! Quick!!!"

Me "Well, why don't one of you use the bathroom down here..and one of you go to the bathroom upstairs, that way you can both poop first?"

Eloise "Great idea!"

I love being needed - and by the way, my children are brilliant!

xoxo,t

Lucky...

2010-01-17T20:34:00.002-06:00

I have little to no technical capabilities. And I do not even try. My computer dies..."hey Jed!" The TV isn't working..."hey Jed!" My phone is acting up or I need an App for that..."hey Jed!"

I worked for a high-tech company for almost 15 years and was a marketing manager for a techie product that I had never used because it scared me.

I have never downloaded a song. The thought of it makes me queasy.

So in lies my stress tonight. Looking at the TV listings - I see that 24, Desperate Housewives and The Golden Globes are all on at the same time. Poor planning. All day I have thought of the pros and cons of watching each one. You see, because of my lack of techno knowledge, I also don't own a DVR or tivo, or cable for that matter. I do have a VCR, but have never been able to figure out that record feature.

I am so lucky - my biggest stress today is what to watch and what will I miss.

There are so many mothers today wondering how to feed their children, to keep them safe, to provide them with shelter. They weigh heavy on my mind today.

I am thankful to have choices today. Who knows what tomorrow brings.

xoxo,t

Brownie Smile....

2010-01-15T11:36:00.003-06:00

I volunteered to be the Cookie Mom for Eloise's Daisy Troop since I didn't have enough going on in my life.

I am actually enjoying it though - because it gives me the opportunity to tell more people what to do - other than my own family of course.

I miss being a boss. I like being a boss. I like having power. I have control issues.

Cookie sales start tomorrow, January 16th and my thighs are very excited.

Because I am a whore for sales, and Eloise wants to desperately win the damned stuffed panda bear - email me at tracymorrison[at]comcast[dot]net and Eloise will hook you up with cookies. I am happy to mail them to you, or you can ask for them to be donated to our local food shelf.

Have a great weekend.

xoxo,t

p.s. My lovely friend Michelle has organized a group of ladies to auction some of our girls clothing on eBay. 100% of the proceeds will be donated to charities helping in Haiti. Please search eBay auctions for LOVE FOR HAITI and bid! You will see more items going up for sale over the next week..and/or please join us with your own auctions also.

The Glamorous Life..

2010-01-14T06:07:00.005-06:00

I found this t-shirt yesterday from Paperlili while searching for Esther's perfect birthday outfit.
Unfortunately, they are sold-out of her size. It is so her. I am stressing about her birthday outfit because A. she actually requires some special outfit and B. her instructions are "a big 5 in pink bling on her belly with a weawy weawy twiwly skiwt." I am having a rough time of it finding this set.

How did she get so glamorous?

Eloise and I and safe creatures. We care too much about what people think, our clothing is conservative. I hear too much from Esther "Mom, why do you wear black everyday?"

Our clothing matches and we don't accessorize. We wear the same, comfortable shoes every day. We don't like to stand out, be noticed or my goodness have someone talk about us. My face is turning red just thinking about it.

Esther likes to be the life of the party. The loudest, the silliest and the most fashionably dressed.

Nothing matches, hat on backwards, a ponytail on the top of her head, layers of beaded necklaces.

And in as much as I am looking forward to Esther going to school all day next year...I am already lonely for our lunchtime party everyday together. I will miss her if even for the pure entertainment value. I like to use my kids that way.

I always try to set a proper and glamorous plate for her - and make it pretty and colorful just like her. Or I stop buy a few trays of sushi for us to share. Esther loves her food as colorful as she is. Tan is overrated.

Esther colors my world, my soul and my heart and I worry that my days will be quite unglamorous next year without her company each day.

xoxo,t

p.s. ..and because Esther is the biggest American Idol fan I know - I had to share this clip from last night. I love this man and totally agree with him, and have been singing it all.day.long.

Perspective...

2010-01-13T13:49:00.003-06:00

I had a post full of the usual drivel ready to go today - you know, me complaining either about a bitchy baby, high maintenance primary student, fashionista preschooler, crazy/better off dead cat, my awful hair, or my hard to figure out husband.

But the tradegy happening in Haiti gave me pause. It is all I can think about today. And how we all can help.

xoxo,t

The Night of a Mother...

2010-01-12T06:02:00.002-06:00

(Please note this picture has nothing to do with my post - I just didn't have one to share. It was my centerpiece at Christmas. The picture is of me and my brother - we were 1 and it was our 2nd Christmas.)

(Also, just for the record my hair is still as stick straight as usual. The curls were just for fun that day to freak out my kids. It worked.)

The Night of a Mother...

6:35 pm Baby's asleep
7:15 pm Girl's are asleep
7:16 pm Mom pours a glass of wine, flops onto the couch and opens her computer
7:17 pm Channel surfing for reality TV
7:30 pm Hubby joins - pours beer, flops on chair across the room and opens laptop
(we are very romantic that way)
8:00 pm Hubby sleeping/snoring loudly in chair. I throw cat toys at him to make it stop
9:30 pm Baby wakes - screaming
10:30 pm I go to bed
11:30 pm Baby wakes - screaming
12:30 am I wake to the noise of the cat puking - get up, find cat, clean-up cat puke
1:30 am Oldest daughter yells out for a drink of water after a bad dream
2:00 am Cat paws at my head and sneezes at my face and starts sniffling to let me know he has a cold and then snuggles under the covers with me.
2:30 am Baby wakes - screaming
3:30 am Husband wakes with HUGE coughing fit, waking the whole household up
4:30 am Cat jumps on me wanting his breakfast
4:35 am Get Up
5:00 am Baby wakes - screaming

And so it goes...
xoxo,t

I am where I should be...

2010-01-11T08:51:00.003-06:00

Everyone is talking about the weather this week.

Below zero in Minnesota.

Snowstorms in Kentucky.

Ice in Florida.

Storms in Germany.

We could escape to the only warmth in California, but there is that pesky earthquake to deal with...

I only complain about the weather when it is too hot. I hate to sweat and cannot keep cool enough to be comfortable in heat and humidity.

When we go home to Indiana - even their July heat keeps me indoors in the a/c most every day.

We keep our home heated to a maximum of 59 degrees - even in the dead of Winter.

I like it cold - very cold.

I am also so glad we live in Minnesota where we can enjoy an ice rink in our own backyard.

I am right where I should be.

xoxo,t

When your Stylist goes to Rehab...

2010-01-08T13:57:00.006-06:00

Esther was brushing my hair last week when she said "gosh Mommy, I like your new silver hair - where did you get it?"

This was my subtle clue that it had been 5 months since my last hair appointment and "color adjustment."

I dread getting my hair done - taking the time, spending the money and crying after the results.

The past 7 years have been good to me though, with a stylist who makes house calls, who has amazing vision during his meth-induced state, with cheap prices and fabulous results.

Sadly, he is no longer available - something to do with men in white coats, speeding vans and the State of Nebraska - I will never know for sure what happened.

So I have sat near the phone for 2 months - knowing I need a cut and color and not knowing where to call, talking myself out of making the call and considering a drug store box and some fiskars.

Panicking - how long will it take, can I leave the baby - the baby who hates everyone. She won't take a bottle, what if she needs to eat? Is gray hair really that big of deal?

But I don't want anyone to mistake me for being her Grandma.

So I called a salon to make an appointment - he asked me when I wanted to come in and I said "whenever it works for you all" and he said "how about tomorrow?"

Tomorrow - that soon??? Really - not like 2 months out or something.

So I went, left the baby - she screamed uncontrollably and inconsolably for 2 hours.

But I didn't hear her as I read my People magazine and took a brief nap under the dryer and sipped tea with no one under the age of 18 in sight.

..and I have my natural brown back - and a little extra Moxie.

xoxo,t

Stupid Is..

2010-01-07T06:10:00.004-06:00

I made meat on Christmas. I don't make meat much or much meat for that matter, as I don't eat meat much or much meat for that matter.

Most people, or just me for that matter, struggle a bit cooking foods they don't eat.

We cannot tell by color, texture or flavor and we worry about killing our families. I am a taster by trait in my kitchen and that is impossible to do when meat is involved.

Thus, the invention of the meat thermometer.

I had one, but it must've ended up in the organizational pile of "items rarely used in my kitchen" - thus tossed at some point along with the cookie dough baller, lemon zester and garlic press.

Not wanting to buy a meat thermometer to toss again in 3 years, I sent Jed on a mission to borrow one from the neighbors.

Mission accomplished.

Problem is, I put it in the meat and put the meat in the oven. Upon checking the meat after 15 minutes, a large drip of plastic was hanging off the face of the thermometer.

Plastic on a meat thermometer? I always had glass. How do I use such a device and holy shit I have now ruined it. Now A). How will I know when the meat is done and B.) How will I tell my neighbors that I turned their thermometer into a shrinky-dink and admit that I am so stupid that I put plastic in the oven.

I ran to google - and found their thermometer and found out it is called an "instant thermometer" - that doesn't go into the oven.

How stupid. How stupid to measure the temperature of meat that is cooked in the oven, outside of the oven. How stupid to make a meat thermometer out of plastic. How stupid of me not to notice it was plastic and ruin a thermometer and meat on Christmas.

What is even more stupid is that I was so embarrassed by my minor kitchen catastrophe that I didn't want to tell my neighbors about it, so promptly on December 25th FOUND the exact thermometer on amazon[dot]com from an ace hardware store in Brooklyn, NY and have been impatiently awaiting it's arrival.

For nearly two weeks now, I have avoided talking to my neighbors, making eye contact with my neighbors and promptly ducking inside my house if I spied them walking in front of our home, just to avoid admitting my thermometer shortcomings.

How happy I was when it finally arrived yesterday and I could open it and return it to them unscathed and apologize for only its tardy return and not its demise.

What is more stupid though - than the fact that it is plastic, the fact that I ruined it by putting it in the oven, and the fact that I was too big of a coward to admit it happened, is that it only cost me $3.78 on amazon, and it shipped for free in this HUGE box.(using wine bottle as measuring tool/comparison - as I don't carry rulers around..so if you are wondering how big Astrid is now, she is about 2 1/2 wine bottles long...).

AND that they put on the back of the packaging the use instructions. See, now I was never given those!

xoxo,t

A Date with Daddy...

2010-01-06T05:52:00.003-06:00

I decided that Jed needed to start a tradition of taking his girls out on a date every Christmas.

This year, I decided it should be the Nutcracker.

He mentioned that Motocross was in town.

I told him the girls didn't own Levi's jeans, or sweatshirts with hoods and kangaroo pockets, or white tennis shoes.

Not to be disrespectful to those who do.

He asked if he could buy them their first motorcycles this year - you know for under the tree.

Esther said "as long as it is pink and I can wear my tutu."

As long as she doesn't end up in a future sexy motorcycle magazine ad, that is fine with me.

Jed is the dad to girly-girls, so he can embrace it and endure the Nutcracker at Christmas, pink in their closets and Angelina on TV.

He just needs to know how important it is to spoil his girls sometime.

Well, all of the time.

xoxo,t

Just Breathe...

2010-01-05T11:00:00.002-06:00

I cannot relax.

I am one of those people who loves yoga, but when they do the deep breathing/meditation part - I act like I am doing it, but instead look around the room and watch other people really doing it, analyze how my ass and boobs look, AND at the same time make my to-do lists.

I am one of those people that when I have gone to church or before a meal when they say "let's pray" - I don't close my eyes or pray at all - but look around the room watching other people in silent prayer as I pick lint from my skirt and make my to-do lists.

I am a morning person and as Jed so eloquently says about me "you get more done before 6am than most people do all day."

My parents made us go to bed by 10pm even as a senior in high school. This was mainly so we could get up by 5:30 to start our days.

We should've lived on a farm.

When I watch people "do nothing" or as they call it "relax" or "take a nap", I admit that I get angry. As I can think of about 5 million other things they could be doing.

I am out of my pj's by 6am every morning and expect my kids to quickly follow suit.

Watching people lounge in my home is very stressful to me.

So imagine my surprise during these 10 days of Winter break when we had nothing on our calendars. No travel, no appointments, no expectations, no structure, no lists.

For once in my life I actually cherished it. My kids stayed in jammies until 10am. We had picnics in the living room, we ate popcorn for dinner and if my kids wanted to watch TV and movies all day - so be it. We played board games, did art projects and made appropriate messes.

It was snowy and subzero and we just enjoyed the laziness and comfort of home.

Even me. I even read a book.

I do admit I was looking forward to yesterday - up by 4:30, school bus at 7:30.... but for 10 short days I actually enjoyed some easy breathing and lazy days.

xoxo,t

Crawling out of my Corner...

2010-01-04T13:04:00.002-06:00

After all that moxie talk, my world ended when my Internet went down 3 days ago.

I am not suited to be a pioneer.

I had reached the point this morning where my kids found me sucking my thumb naked in the corner of the office.

I had just hit refresh for the four bazillioneth time and there was still no network connection.

I have called Comcast 2900 times and sobbed to them. It is Winter Holidays and I am not dragging 3 kids in the below zero cold to sit in a cafe with WiFi. I am desperate, but not insane.

But close.

When the repair man came last night, I ran out into the -20 temps with my bare feet and hugged him and offered him a beer...until he said he couldn't fix it, then I sobbed some more after putting snow down his coat.

There was a time I lived before the Internet, and at that time I enjoyed hiking and camping and backpacking and writing paper letters.

But I don't poop in the woods anymore and I want my Internet back.

xoxo, t

Getting my Moxie on...

2010-01-01T20:30:00.005-06:00

I don't have a resolution for the New Year.

Mainly because I fell over this morning when I realized that I have been alive during SIX decades now. SIX.

That is a lot.

So I have decided to have some Moxie this year - courage to try new things, to speak my mind and to take care of business, and to let things GO.

Top 3 Moxie projects - to overcome my fears of baking with yeast, cooking with phyllo and sewing with interfacing...in that order.

Oh yeah baby, my life is full of excitement, intrigue and mystery.

Then my honey-do list just got like HUGE and my new moxie macho is going to kick some asses in gear and I am going have me a damn front door finished STAT. - or perhaps after my MacBook is repurchased thankyouverymuch.

..and I want to get back to doing Yoga 3 times per week. Mainly to eliminate the roll of skin/flab/gross as all get out thingamabob hanging like shelf over my c-section scar. Help me here ladies - especially those of you with 3+ c-sections...now, this thing on my belly did not exist after c's 1 or 2 - but holy hell it is there now. Is this normal? Is it removable? Will I never wear a bikini again? Okay, at 41 I don't need a bikini anyway, but a girl can hope? Help!

I also need to realize that with the moxie I can do just about anything I want to do and be - except being a stripper. That window has thankfully passed.

I would also like botox to remove the number 11 from my forehead. Can you put botox on a Christmas list now. I am thinking that is very 2010? That is a huge big ball of moxie just waiting to happen.

Getting my Moxie on.
t.

New Year Still Me...Just Wrinklier

2009-12-31T20:42:00.004-06:00

I had prepared a very eloquent post about how awesome I was in 2009 and how awesome my year was and how I use the word awesome like it is still 1985 - back when I was awesome.

But it was all a bunch of bullshit, so I deleted it.

Don't get me wrong, my year was good - I had a baby and all - which is awesome, but I also lost a grandparent and the economy was kind of a downer, and both girls transitioned to new schools and my arms just SUCK compared to Michelle Obama's and she is such a show-off.

I have spent the year trying on clothing at JCrew, and it just looks so much better on her than me. That is like so not awesome.

What I do want to do is look forward to my 42nd year on this planet. Sure, I am hopeful for another 76 years at least, but taking reality into consideration, I know that life IS short. This blog has helped me learn that I don't want to waste it. This blog has brought me links and friends from near and far. This blog has introduced me to people I never would've met otherwise. This blog has opened my eyes, my heart, and my mind.

I have learned that it is okay to not know exactly who I am at 41, and that I can still define myself every day.

I do know that for 2010, I want to be true to myself - to use my blog for only good and not evil, and to be honest and put myself out there and embrace my vulnerability. It's okay not to be perfect - and I have been perfecting that for a very long time.

And I just want to love, accept and forgive more - and focus on the important names I go by - Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Friend, Niece, Granddaughter, Neighbor. The rest doesn't matter so much. We are all really the same.

Life is too short - for grudges and hate and discrimination and stupidity. And I can be a real bitch, so thank you for still liking me.

xoxo,t

The Best Present I Never Got...

2009-12-30T19:22:00.005-06:00

Yesterday, Jed brought a paper grocery bag up to the bedroom. When he came downstairs, there was white boxed item with a red bow around it inside the covert bag.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Nothing" he replied, "just some Christmas returns."

I continued "But what is the white box that hasn't been opened?"

"Nothing" he replied again "Just a shirt I am returning."

"Unopened? - that is strange - how do you know it's a shirt?" I prodded some more.

He shouted "Fine, it's a MacBook that I bought for you for Christmas that you don't want so I am taking it back."

And he stormed out of the house.

I stared into my coffee and wondered what the cotton pickin F that was all about.

What MacBook? Did I open a MacBook and not realize it, and upon opening the MacBook scream "holy shit, why did you buy me this piece of garbage? Return it immediately!" Did I say that? Had I ever seen said MacBook?

I was mystified by this scene that just took place in my home.

I am not completely sure WHY he bought me the MacBook, WHY it was never presented to me on Christmas, WHY it was returned after Christmas while being cleverly disguised in a grocery bag, or WHY this exchange ever took place that is now killing me slowly.

This is my life.

Turns out that I have casually said to him that I don't really need a new computer. Well of course I don't really "need" a new computer. Mine is only 8 years old, I have to whack the screen for it to appear every 10 minutes or so, I have to squint and tilt it just so to see it and only 5-6 letters stick on the keyboard. But it is just fine.

Of course it's fine, I am a woman and everything is "just fine." I am that Mom who has lost a leg, my arm is dangling off, my eye is squirting out blood, I am having a stroke, my teeth are falling out and I say "oh I am just fine dear, it's just a little cold coming on ..let me fix you a little snack"..and while doing that I vacuum a bit on my way to the kitchen and I throw a load of laundry in, AND I have a baby hanging off my boob...but everything is just FINE just like my computer. All the while my husband is scratching his balls, thinking he has a sniffle and should probably go up to bed to rest a bit before it gets too bad.

This is my life.

xoxo, t

Astrid 5 months...A letter from Mom

2009-12-28T20:30:00.003-06:00

Dear Astrid,

You are 5 months old. Can you believe it?

Gosh it's been a long 5 months. Time is not flying by as it is suppose to. As people say it will. Time is taking forever because you cry too much. Really.

And it is annoying and you need to get over it.

You were my 2nd crankiest child a few months back, but now you have won the award. Are you happy now? Can we move on to greener pastures?

Why do you have to hate everyone but me(and your sisters) and the cat? Why oh why do you like the cat? Really?

I love that you love me but my goodness, get over yourself. I have never seen such a baby with attitude. You raise your eyebrows and smirk. Smirk. You are 5 months old and do not deserve the bitchy attitude of a 7 year old. You don't.

You still wake-up 4 times per night and I let you. No you aren't hungry. Just bitchy. You just have more complaints you need to register that you weren't able to fit in that day.

I tried to start you on solid food, but it turns out your digestive system is bitchy too and you cannot tolerated anything but breast milk and now you aren't allowed other food or liquids until you are like 12. Whatever.

You take 5 or 6 annoying 20 minute naps per day and then complain about how tired you are between the naps. On the rare occasion you sleep for 2 hours I am like "I told you so" because you are actually happy for 20 minutes after that nap. TWENTY WHOLE MINUTES!!

You still sleep next to me because I am too lazy to get you a bed and you are warm. I promise to not tell your boyfriends that you are still sleeping next to me and nursing at 12. It will be our little secret.

Problem is, when you wake-up, even for the forth time - I melt when I see your sweet face and look into your eyes.

You are the best present I have ever received and that is why I put up with you.

You are my baby and will be incessantly spoiled for your whole life and I am okay with that.

You just need to stop being a bitch.

k?
Love, Mom

Scenes from a Christmas...

2009-12-28T06:59:00.002-06:00

We stayed home this year and were treated to a Christmas Storm.

What a great present. I love snow, lots of snow, especially when you can just stay home and play with toys.

...cause if you've no place to go...let it snow, let is snow, let it snow...

..and it did.

This year, we opened our home to a few family members that casually stopped by on their weary trip North and to good friends with whom we shared a meal.

It was quiet and perfect and filled with happy faces.

I think this tradition will likely continue.

xoxo,t

Skating...

2009-12-27T16:01:00.002-06:00

xoxo,t

Merry Christmas...

2009-12-24T13:33:00.002-06:00

Can you tell who has been naughty and who has been nice?

xoxo,t

and it's a Wrap...

2009-12-23T20:17:00.004-06:00

I have done it all this year.

Presents bought - check.

Presents wrapped - check.

Nutcracker attended - check.

Santa seen - check.

Elf is on the shelf - check.

Tree up and Halls decked - check.

Cards done and mailed - check.

Christmas songs sung - check.

Christmas shows watched - check.

Birthday passed without a f*$%#&*&%$*^ cake - check.

Wine and champagne drank drunk and drunked and dranked - check.

..and now cookies are baked - check, check and double checked.

But when will kids ever get the whole "less is more" when it comes to cookie decorating?

xoxo,t

On My Birthday...

2009-12-22T20:29:00.002-06:00

....next year.

I am asking for more matching outfits

..and more of these bad boys - in more sizes and colors.

That is all.
xoxo,t

About Me Today...

2009-12-21T20:45:00.003-06:00

They say it is my birthday on Tuesday. I have never spent much time celebrating my birthday and was slightly embarrassed when I moved to the Netherlands and found out how much the Dutch LOVE birthdays. I mean really LOVE birthdays. I was amazed. People came out of the woodwork giving me 3 kisses(gotta love the Dutch for making it 3 kisses instead of 2) and singing Lang zal ze leven to me. They would wish me Hartelijk gefeliciteerd - and heck they would even congratulate me on my Mother's birthday. If you want to celebrate your birthday, go to Holland.

So, in the past 10 years I have been trying to make more of an effort to appreciate a good birthday. Kids help. I still am incredibly embarrassed having attention focused at me though. Parties scare me and singing even more.

I have truthfully been dreading this birthday. Turning 40 is turning 40 - a milestone, a celebration, a new decade of being 40 and fabulous. Turning 41 is just well...turning 41 and accepting the fact that I am in my 40's now and the hoopla is over. Turning 41 and being a mom of an infant is even more mind blowing..and tiring. I sometimes think my Grandma is laughing at me from heaven and thinking "my word - I was a grandmother of TWO at your age..what are you thinking??"

Sure 40 is the new 30 and all that jazz, but it doesn't remove my wrinkles or color my gray hair, tighten my changing skin or remove the cellulite on my thighs. I see myself now as 2 generations away from kids and how it is harder to relate or even recognize myself in the young coeds in our neighborhood. I don't look like them anymore, even though I may feel like one of them. Most of them see me as their mom and sometimes when I have Astrid out for a walk if they wonder if I am her grandma.

It's weird getting older. Not bad. Just weird. I still feel 17 even if no one else sees me that way.
xoxo, t

O Christmas Tree...

2009-12-20T15:27:00.002-06:00

The Girls picked the Tree and decorated all by themselves this year. I believe it is the cutest Chuck Brown-esque Tree EVER.

xoxo,t

Mary Did What??

2009-12-18T20:29:00.002-06:00

The Nativity in 2009..

Eloise "Hey mom - we can't figure out who Joseph is."

Me "He is one of the guys."

Eloise "We know that - but there are like 6 guys here, which one is he?"

Me walking into the room "Well, these 3 look like kings or wise men, and these 3 are shepherds - so he must be one of the shepherds."

Eloise "Do we need a Joseph anyway because isn't God really His dad - why isn't God on this thing. Is Joseph really His step dad or what?"

Esther(randomly) "Is this the same Mary that is in the lamb song? I don't think she is married she is just a kid who has a little lamb."

Eloise "Well, I don't we should just use any of these guys without knowing who the real Joseph is. I am not doing it. We cannot just use any Joseph."

Esther "Why don't we just use a different guy each day - the green shepherd today, the blue king tomorrow. They can just take turns with Mary."

Merry Christmas.
t.

Holiday Memories...

2009-12-17T20:01:00.002-06:00

I have watched my fill of old Holiday movies this week. All of the usual suspects - White Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street, It's a Wonderful Life...

I have found myself bawling during all of these. Bawling.

All I can see in these movies are my grandparents. I see them in the 40's and 50's - young and vibrant, thin and active with their dark hair...my grandpa with his greased back perfectly combed hair and my grandma with her bobby pins, pin curls and finger waves. They loved the holidays and celebrated surrounded by their many friends and large family.

Music filled the basement, while the drinks flowed and people danced. Couples kissed under the mistletoe.

I remember being a very little girl on Christmas morning in their very small living room stuffed full of people, presents and paper.

This is our first Christmas without them both. The family home of 56 years is sold. As happy and joyous as the Holidays are, I miss them. Their Christmas card was always the first addressed each year. Kenneth and Lorraine St. Marie, 22xx....their address remains at the top of my list. So strange not to send them one this year for the first time ever. So strange to not receive one.

Although we are staying put this Christmas, I know I have my childhood home to go to when I can. I weep for my mom this year who doesn't.

We are staying home to make new memories for our kids. For them to wake-up Christmas morning in their beds, to race down the stairs to see if Santa came. To lounge in our PJ's.

Happy Holidays to all of you. Hug your kids, honor your Grandparents and thank your parents. No matter near or far, celebrate your families and the memories you are making every day.
xoxo,t

Because I couldn't help myself...

2009-12-17T06:01:00.002-06:00

..it is the most obvious thing to do this Season...but I am short on time to write...(and no pictures of Jed on my laptop...)

Enjoy...

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

xoxo,t

Snowfall..

2009-12-16T11:32:00.001-06:00

We finally had our first big snow of the season last week.

It was then I realized that my daughter has a really long tongue.

xoxo,t

It's my Party...

2009-12-14T20:08:00.004-06:00

Sometimes December makes me feel like I am drowning in a sea of sprinkles.

Don't you just hate when the damn top comes off.

I have been bitchy lately and my emotions are a constant roller coaster of pure joy as I spend time with friends and family to complete destruction from a hurtful comment - to pure joy as I think about the gifts I have purchased this year to pure dread from the credit card bill coming in January.

As the Mom - my lists are a mile long this season and my ass hasn't hit the couch in 2 weeks. And if it has hit the couch, it is only for on-line Christmas shopping, knitting a gift, sewing a gift, ordering cards, calendars, blogging, uploading photos and let's not forget nursing every 2 1/2 hours. I have to say that when someone elses ass hits the couch OFTEN to do nothing, my head explodes.

And as much as I love our Christmas tree this year - it is perfect. Now I feel like it is just ONE.MORE.THING I need to keep alive, even if it is just for 11 more long days.

And I still hate the cat.

I still want to take the girls to the Holiday Parade, to bake cookies, to wrap presents. I love this season even if it does give me a happy migraine.

The good news is that I have given up drinking red wine this month and have decided to drink sparkling white every night to give me just a bit more Holiday Cheer.

And just for the record - I did not sleep with Tiger.

Ho Ho Ho, t

Almost Famous..

2009-12-13T19:36:00.002-06:00

..there was a time that I was young(er) and thin(ner) and less wrinkly(er) and said things like "awesome" even if no one else said awesome anymore...

...but then I got old(er) and have been replaced by a new young(er) model...recognize the cute blond airplane??...

xoxo, t

Smorganization...

2009-12-09T19:51:00.004-06:00

Smorganization - the act of organizing 2 million things at one time.

I had a breakdown of sorts yesterday and told the girls that we could not have a Christmas tree this year AND that Santa was not coming unless we disposed of, donated, or just generally hauled out and lit a fire to a bunch of crap consuming the house.

Have you ever tried to get rid of toys when your children are home? Here's a tip - IT DOES NOT WORK. One toy goes in the donate bin and it's all "oh that is my favorite...blah blah blah.." and I am like, dude - you haven't touched that in 3 years!

My plan was to use my 3 hours today while kid 2 was at preschool, and while cranky, crazy-ass never sleeps for more than 15 minutes at a time so do you think I get anything done..NO baby was screaming at me from the bouncy seat.

I was a wreck at about 3am with the snow and wind and sub-zero temps that a snow day would be called. I am sorry but in my home snow day = bad, school day = good. Thank goodness school was ON and my plan for toy organization and disposal was in place.

Problem is - my toy organization, disposal and dismemberment turned into, "hell, since I have drank my pot of coffee and since I have this 3 hours broken into 10 minute increments while the baby isn't cursing at me, let's also dust the high places in the house, haul down our 42 tubs of winter crap, order the calendars for the Grandparents, address our Holiday cards, finish sewing those last minutes gifts, wrap a few gifts, knit a scarf and polish off a pitcher of bloody mary's."

I had a total flipping smorganization session. At one point when I had all this crap out, I thought for sure that the film crew to the show Hoarders was going to barge in and totally out me to my friends and family. I even looked like a hoarder today.

By the end of the day though I hauled 3 leaf bags to the dump and 4 tubs to Goodwill. Calendars are orders, envelopes are addressed, sewing is sewn and knitting is knitted, and now my wine bottle is almost empty.

So I can say "yes, Eloise and Esther there will be a Santa Claus this year and a tree and everything..and even that damn Chrissa is coming home this year."

xoxo,t

Fashion Tips...

2009-12-08T22:49:00.002-06:00

Soft, quilted, padded, floral one-piece romper. Cute on 4 month old.

Not cute on 40 year old.

Ruffle bum with added tulle for more of a puffy butt. Cute on 4 year old.

Not cute on 40 year old.

Just trying to help you out here.
xoxo,t